One of my favorite things is to find out about people's weaknesses and fears.
Not because I'm trying to manipulate, but because it's hard to understand people when they seem perfect. I can't connect to the jock who looks to be having a splendid life, but the awkward kid who's been through a lot is right on track to being my best friend. I like helping people, and if I can't help you, then I can therefore only hurt you. Why would I ever want to be a leech, sapping resources from someone without retribution? One's flaws are an integral part of one's humanity, and it's that humanity, that mutual human experience, that makes for meaningful relationships.
Strangely, I find myself incredibly reluctant to display my own inadequacies. Knowing that I get irritated at "perfect" people, why do I work so hard to seem like one? Is it because I think others want me to be perfect? Or is it that I don't want to share my darkness in case the other person doesn't have any? Either way, I fear my fear; my sorrow saddens me. Like the groundhog, my own shadow calls in the frozen clouds of a long winter.
Hypothetical situations always have unclear resolutions, but this is still a fun one to ponder: What if our wrongs were all laid bare? Would the world dissolve into chaos as we find there is no one to trust, or would we find that we are all much more similar than we thought?
For now I'll subsist on late-night questionnaires.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Drain
Sometimes it can become all so clear.
Happiness.
We seek golden hearts.
Our potentially infinite existence thrives on the basis of all hope and all expectation: to have the joy humankind so desires.
What is there to do after this revalation but to end it? Nothing can be so natural as the fear and despair that follows insight like a shadow.
So the music turns up, the toxins numb, the fantasies conceal, and the droll progression of time pulls us along.
Let's have some molasses, shall we?
Happiness.
We seek golden hearts.
Our potentially infinite existence thrives on the basis of all hope and all expectation: to have the joy humankind so desires.
What is there to do after this revalation but to end it? Nothing can be so natural as the fear and despair that follows insight like a shadow.
So the music turns up, the toxins numb, the fantasies conceal, and the droll progression of time pulls us along.
Let's have some molasses, shall we?
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Hope: The Escape
Metaphysical walls are under quite a bit of pressure, and have a tendency to break.
There is a sadness in this, as walls are usually built for protection, and once they are down the outside world can invade at will.
Sometimes this comes in the form of one last blow that shatters the whole things.
Other times the structure erodes and holes appear and grow until there's little left but rubble.
There is a sadness in this, as walls are usually built for protection, and once they are down the outside world can invade at will.
But sometimes the expected army doesn't arrive; the woods of terror look more like an unthreatening meadow.
And this is hope: that the unnecessary walls would collapse and allow our escape.
That maybe the grass is greener out there.
That maybe the grass is greener out there.
Monday, July 23, 2012
The Game
Is all too easy to lose.
And that's precisely it. We're playing one of those crazy games where you learn the rules as you go, but with the time commitment of monopoly double-plus bonanza.
We are winners at heart. Our spirits are aware of what they are, even if only enough to drive us to win. But with rules that seem in flux and a piece that seems to move with chance alone, the easiest way to win is not to. Forget the game exists. Make up the rules yourself (and hope they're close enough). Lose intentionally out of spite.
Quit.
It is true that chance, as I take it, does play it's part in our endeavor. You may choose at forks in the road, but the spinner is not under your control, nor is the road on which you travel. Things will happen and it may seem like the game has it against you. Or you may find other players and feel that their only point in the game is to ruin your chance of success. But the game goes on, all the same. In truth, the game is all we know. Winning conditions and the prize therefor is debated constantly, but most realize that it's better to continue playing then attempt to leave and count your score as is.
The game wears on and with no end in sight, no sure goal to shoot for, no strategy immune to the whims of luck, players often find it easiest to let the game take it's course and make only decisions that are necessary. Easiest.
This game is to be played. It will not always be enjoyable, and you will make some bad choices, but the cards are in your hand. You will not know the game, but in playing you may find that you will come to know the truth about player. Let the world be your mirror and seek for what rules you can. Most of all, do not despair. You can live your life off of the assumption that the game is worthless or fake, or you can live it with faith that there is something to it.
Consider not which is worse to be wrong, consider instead which is happier if right.
May the odds ever be in your favor.
And that's precisely it. We're playing one of those crazy games where you learn the rules as you go, but with the time commitment of monopoly double-plus bonanza.
We are winners at heart. Our spirits are aware of what they are, even if only enough to drive us to win. But with rules that seem in flux and a piece that seems to move with chance alone, the easiest way to win is not to. Forget the game exists. Make up the rules yourself (and hope they're close enough). Lose intentionally out of spite.
Quit.
It is true that chance, as I take it, does play it's part in our endeavor. You may choose at forks in the road, but the spinner is not under your control, nor is the road on which you travel. Things will happen and it may seem like the game has it against you. Or you may find other players and feel that their only point in the game is to ruin your chance of success. But the game goes on, all the same. In truth, the game is all we know. Winning conditions and the prize therefor is debated constantly, but most realize that it's better to continue playing then attempt to leave and count your score as is.
The game wears on and with no end in sight, no sure goal to shoot for, no strategy immune to the whims of luck, players often find it easiest to let the game take it's course and make only decisions that are necessary. Easiest.
This game is to be played. It will not always be enjoyable, and you will make some bad choices, but the cards are in your hand. You will not know the game, but in playing you may find that you will come to know the truth about player. Let the world be your mirror and seek for what rules you can. Most of all, do not despair. You can live your life off of the assumption that the game is worthless or fake, or you can live it with faith that there is something to it.
Consider not which is worse to be wrong, consider instead which is happier if right.
May the odds ever be in your favor.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Everything I've Ever Wanted
I don't know what it's like for everyone else, but my life is pretty perfect.
Not perfect in the sense that my life is an outlier on the span of reality, nearly breaching heaven in my continual happiness, but in the manner that anything I could realistically want has been given to me.
Or maybe I should phrase it as: Looking back, I've been given most of that I want, and they're not necessarily all good for me, nor likely to all happen in one lifetime.
Proof: (What follows is from fate's imagined perspective)
You want to be intelligent? Alrighty then. Let's see here... a father that is brilliant as a role model, who values intellect and will heavily encourage you to learn much; A propensity for academics to further fuel your desire; The internet for endless knowledge at your fingertips, with a good set of books within reach in case you get tired of screens; Enough money to live comfortably and seek further learning without having to stress, and I think that's pretty set.
Athletics? Are you sure? Aah, you don't really want to DO athletics, you just want the prestige and health. We'll work with that. Let's put you in suburbia, so you can get exposure to a bunch of different sports. Here's karate, soccer, baseball, and football, and track. Anything? No? How about swimming? Not that one then. Cross country? Ah, we've got something! No, wait. Too tired? That's acceptable. How about we ease off and just have you dance a bit while we give you theatre. Welcome to college! Feeling incompetent again? What have we got... here's a string of people who like running. If you ever want to go try that again they'll be there. Have a dance class. Whoops. That didn't go so well. Maybe some other time. Why don't we... put you in jiujitsu? Oh yeah, you're awkward. SO! Here's an opportunity to have the president of the club get to know you, and here's a friend in another class to stick with you the whole time. AND! Here's a guy you knew briefly before. We'll set you up with a bit of luck on the first few days... and you're set! Perfect. Wait, you're tired again? Haha, that's alright. We'll throw something else your way as soon as we get it going.
You want to be a good person? That's going to be a tough one, I hope you know that. But it looks like you want it, so here you go. *WHAP* Yeah.... sorry, but the fastest and surest way to make sure someone is nice is to instill in them the importance of it. Which is best done when circumstances are... less than favorable. Oh, and we have religion right here beside you to give you a plethora of reasons to be good and a bunch of exercises to develop yourself. This is going to be a little more difficult since you want to be intelligent... because you're prone to be prideful. We can make this fit. These trials are going to have to be a little harsher. Alright good. I think we've successfully knocked pride out- shoot. Not yet. You just flipped. Alright, here's friends and leaders to bring you back up. And we're going to throw a lot of instruction regarding a HEALTHY self-esteem to you. Difficult case. But I think it's working... yeah we'll keep the treatment on for a few more years and I think we'll be at a good state to keep moving on.
How about relationships? What do you want?
We'll start with family. Ta-da! You have been placed to complete the structure of a perfectly nuclear family. One boy, one girl, Mom, and Dad. And you get to the be the spoiled little one! Wait... you wanted to be a good person... so we're going to have to tweak this a bit.... there! Now you have brothers. Oh stop pouting. You're going to love them a ton soon. I promise. On that note, stop being so mad at your sister. You two were placed together for a reason you know.
Let's move on to friendships. *sigh* You chose a hard road, little one. We're going to have to be super careful about who you get to hold on to right now, because you're very malleable and we're trying to give you the best shot possible at what you want for yourself. So you're not going to get much in the way of peers... but you can tag along with your sister sometimes. Oh alright. Here's a really good friend. BUT! You guys can only visit in the summer. It's not going to be perfect, he's going to help you work out some of your kinks. I think it's finally time. You're ready. Aaaanndd... GUESS WHAT?! You just got yourself a best friend. Two actually. You get to keep them for years. You guys are going to have so much fun. These guys were picked out specifically for you. Do you know how difficult it was to get two personalities to mix with each other's and yours just right? But, it's done. You're welcome. And now you want more friends? That makes sense. Quantity helps not to feel lonely. Here's some. No, you don't get a ton. You wouldn't want it. You think I'm wrong? Okay, here you go. A group. And as expected that didn't work. Here's another group, just to make sure. And that didn't go well either. But the best ones stuck around. Wait a tik, you're best friends with your siblings too? Told ya it would happen. Good job. They'll help out for quite some time. Especially your sister. Anyways, back to peers. You want to be "normal" in terms of girls? I don't think you do... but alright. Try this out- and done. Haha. That went rather fast. Maybe try again later. Still lonely? Alright, here's someone you can share everything with. Hold up, don't react so strongly. Hey, hold on. Wait. Stop. STO-. Okay. You're okay, it's fine. Just be careful not to go crazy next time. Here's somebody else. And it fades. And another one. And it fades. I know it's hard, but that's all we can realistically figure out since you want someone to know everything and once they do you don't want them around anymore without having to go through turmoil. College time. Here's a bunch of people to screen through. No, you don't get to keep any of them, but you get to learn a whole lot. You feel like you're losing too many people? Alright, here's a few you get to keep. You're welcome. Glad to see you're happy. You want something more? The professed "love"? Alrighty then. Let's see what we've got. Here. Is. Everything. You've got a girl far away who's been chasing you forever. And one back home who's a bit younger and has had a crush on you forever. (Sisters always have good information, no?) Here's a friendship that's grown throughout your college career; she's always been there for you and she's got the most amazing personality. Here's a spunky girl who's going to confuse the heck out of you. Oooh, that didn't go so well. Here's a still spunky but less forward girl for you to crush on; She's particularly special, with her math major, attractiveness, pet gecko, open heart, and similar circumstances to you; Pretty good job with that one yeah? Just for fun, here's a celebrity crush for you to fan-boy with; Haha, that is too fun, we'll have to keep this one going... how about she teaches a class and you can take it? Perfect. What do you mean girls are scary? Alright. Here's a girl who friend-zoned you and will openly tell you she had been waiting for you to ask her out. And she'll help you scheme to get these other girls. No? Okay. We're feeling generous. Here's a best guy friend. We'll set it up just right and... instant friendship. Opposite personalities for attraction and growth for the both of you; good communication to keep you together and further growth. He's going to give you a glimpse of a life very different from yours. You guys get to be really really super close. Oh, not again. Calvin, it's okay. This is a good thing. People are a good thing! Stop! We've tried so hard to make this work for you! But... it seems like it wasn't the right time. You can't handle this, so that means he has to leave. We'll make it kind. Keep on it, Calvin. You get to keep all the girls around. Don't lose faith, we'll just need to work a bit harder for awhile and we can find you someone. It's gonna be awesome. We promise.
This doesn't even account for the insane amount of luck I've had in frivolous things like games.
My life has been set up so well. Sometimes this drives me to despair because I feel like I'm not even close to worth it, but other times I just enjoy it and marvel at how neatly everything fits together.
Not perfect in the sense that my life is an outlier on the span of reality, nearly breaching heaven in my continual happiness, but in the manner that anything I could realistically want has been given to me.
Or maybe I should phrase it as: Looking back, I've been given most of that I want, and they're not necessarily all good for me, nor likely to all happen in one lifetime.
Proof: (What follows is from fate's imagined perspective)
You want to be intelligent? Alrighty then. Let's see here... a father that is brilliant as a role model, who values intellect and will heavily encourage you to learn much; A propensity for academics to further fuel your desire; The internet for endless knowledge at your fingertips, with a good set of books within reach in case you get tired of screens; Enough money to live comfortably and seek further learning without having to stress, and I think that's pretty set.
Athletics? Are you sure? Aah, you don't really want to DO athletics, you just want the prestige and health. We'll work with that. Let's put you in suburbia, so you can get exposure to a bunch of different sports. Here's karate, soccer, baseball, and football, and track. Anything? No? How about swimming? Not that one then. Cross country? Ah, we've got something! No, wait. Too tired? That's acceptable. How about we ease off and just have you dance a bit while we give you theatre. Welcome to college! Feeling incompetent again? What have we got... here's a string of people who like running. If you ever want to go try that again they'll be there. Have a dance class. Whoops. That didn't go so well. Maybe some other time. Why don't we... put you in jiujitsu? Oh yeah, you're awkward. SO! Here's an opportunity to have the president of the club get to know you, and here's a friend in another class to stick with you the whole time. AND! Here's a guy you knew briefly before. We'll set you up with a bit of luck on the first few days... and you're set! Perfect. Wait, you're tired again? Haha, that's alright. We'll throw something else your way as soon as we get it going.
You want to be a good person? That's going to be a tough one, I hope you know that. But it looks like you want it, so here you go. *WHAP* Yeah.... sorry, but the fastest and surest way to make sure someone is nice is to instill in them the importance of it. Which is best done when circumstances are... less than favorable. Oh, and we have religion right here beside you to give you a plethora of reasons to be good and a bunch of exercises to develop yourself. This is going to be a little more difficult since you want to be intelligent... because you're prone to be prideful. We can make this fit. These trials are going to have to be a little harsher. Alright good. I think we've successfully knocked pride out- shoot. Not yet. You just flipped. Alright, here's friends and leaders to bring you back up. And we're going to throw a lot of instruction regarding a HEALTHY self-esteem to you. Difficult case. But I think it's working... yeah we'll keep the treatment on for a few more years and I think we'll be at a good state to keep moving on.
How about relationships? What do you want?
We'll start with family. Ta-da! You have been placed to complete the structure of a perfectly nuclear family. One boy, one girl, Mom, and Dad. And you get to the be the spoiled little one! Wait... you wanted to be a good person... so we're going to have to tweak this a bit.... there! Now you have brothers. Oh stop pouting. You're going to love them a ton soon. I promise. On that note, stop being so mad at your sister. You two were placed together for a reason you know.
Let's move on to friendships. *sigh* You chose a hard road, little one. We're going to have to be super careful about who you get to hold on to right now, because you're very malleable and we're trying to give you the best shot possible at what you want for yourself. So you're not going to get much in the way of peers... but you can tag along with your sister sometimes. Oh alright. Here's a really good friend. BUT! You guys can only visit in the summer. It's not going to be perfect, he's going to help you work out some of your kinks. I think it's finally time. You're ready. Aaaanndd... GUESS WHAT?! You just got yourself a best friend. Two actually. You get to keep them for years. You guys are going to have so much fun. These guys were picked out specifically for you. Do you know how difficult it was to get two personalities to mix with each other's and yours just right? But, it's done. You're welcome. And now you want more friends? That makes sense. Quantity helps not to feel lonely. Here's some. No, you don't get a ton. You wouldn't want it. You think I'm wrong? Okay, here you go. A group. And as expected that didn't work. Here's another group, just to make sure. And that didn't go well either. But the best ones stuck around. Wait a tik, you're best friends with your siblings too? Told ya it would happen. Good job. They'll help out for quite some time. Especially your sister. Anyways, back to peers. You want to be "normal" in terms of girls? I don't think you do... but alright. Try this out- and done. Haha. That went rather fast. Maybe try again later. Still lonely? Alright, here's someone you can share everything with. Hold up, don't react so strongly. Hey, hold on. Wait. Stop. STO-. Okay. You're okay, it's fine. Just be careful not to go crazy next time. Here's somebody else. And it fades. And another one. And it fades. I know it's hard, but that's all we can realistically figure out since you want someone to know everything and once they do you don't want them around anymore without having to go through turmoil. College time. Here's a bunch of people to screen through. No, you don't get to keep any of them, but you get to learn a whole lot. You feel like you're losing too many people? Alright, here's a few you get to keep. You're welcome. Glad to see you're happy. You want something more? The professed "love"? Alrighty then. Let's see what we've got. Here. Is. Everything. You've got a girl far away who's been chasing you forever. And one back home who's a bit younger and has had a crush on you forever. (Sisters always have good information, no?) Here's a friendship that's grown throughout your college career; she's always been there for you and she's got the most amazing personality. Here's a spunky girl who's going to confuse the heck out of you. Oooh, that didn't go so well. Here's a still spunky but less forward girl for you to crush on; She's particularly special, with her math major, attractiveness, pet gecko, open heart, and similar circumstances to you; Pretty good job with that one yeah? Just for fun, here's a celebrity crush for you to fan-boy with; Haha, that is too fun, we'll have to keep this one going... how about she teaches a class and you can take it? Perfect. What do you mean girls are scary? Alright. Here's a girl who friend-zoned you and will openly tell you she had been waiting for you to ask her out. And she'll help you scheme to get these other girls. No? Okay. We're feeling generous. Here's a best guy friend. We'll set it up just right and... instant friendship. Opposite personalities for attraction and growth for the both of you; good communication to keep you together and further growth. He's going to give you a glimpse of a life very different from yours. You guys get to be really really super close. Oh, not again. Calvin, it's okay. This is a good thing. People are a good thing! Stop! We've tried so hard to make this work for you! But... it seems like it wasn't the right time. You can't handle this, so that means he has to leave. We'll make it kind. Keep on it, Calvin. You get to keep all the girls around. Don't lose faith, we'll just need to work a bit harder for awhile and we can find you someone. It's gonna be awesome. We promise.
This doesn't even account for the insane amount of luck I've had in frivolous things like games.
My life has been set up so well. Sometimes this drives me to despair because I feel like I'm not even close to worth it, but other times I just enjoy it and marvel at how neatly everything fits together.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Hum
Sometimes I wish I could heal people.
In one way, I mean that I wish I was a heal-spec shaman or something who could chant for a few seconds and the guy out on the soccer field would get all his health back.
But in a more real way, I wish I could heal people on the inside.
Story time:
I was at my uncle's house with my sister, [You should all know that my Uncle Kenneth and his family are absolutely marvelous people.] and I was holding my second cousin, Lily. She was an adorable little baby and she was pretty tired. I swayed back and forth and hummed a short little tune that I made up. It wasn't complex, and it pushed a bit on my higher registers, but it was still okay music. Lily fell asleep easily. I didn't really realize that the others in the room could hear me until my sister remarked on how Margaret was humming along with me.
I want to do that with people. I know I'm not strong enough to physically hold them in my arms, but I really just want to rock the hurting people back and forth and just hum to them until they forget their problems in sleep.
I'd love to help each and every single hurt person (which would be all of them), but I'd settle for just one. One person to love, that I can just hold them and hum to them. No words. No meaning. Just music. (This is why I get frustrated when people ignore their own emotions, because then I can't do this. I can't help.)
Music can do nearly anything to your emotions. Music has made me cry tears of joy, and it has also brought me to the deepest sorrow. It can infuriate or calm, fuel the imagination or bring back to earth. So maybe, if I could find just the right tune to hum, I could make someone okay. I could heal.
In one way, I mean that I wish I was a heal-spec shaman or something who could chant for a few seconds and the guy out on the soccer field would get all his health back.
But in a more real way, I wish I could heal people on the inside.
Story time:
I was at my uncle's house with my sister, [You should all know that my Uncle Kenneth and his family are absolutely marvelous people.] and I was holding my second cousin, Lily. She was an adorable little baby and she was pretty tired. I swayed back and forth and hummed a short little tune that I made up. It wasn't complex, and it pushed a bit on my higher registers, but it was still okay music. Lily fell asleep easily. I didn't really realize that the others in the room could hear me until my sister remarked on how Margaret was humming along with me.
I want to do that with people. I know I'm not strong enough to physically hold them in my arms, but I really just want to rock the hurting people back and forth and just hum to them until they forget their problems in sleep.
I'd love to help each and every single hurt person (which would be all of them), but I'd settle for just one. One person to love, that I can just hold them and hum to them. No words. No meaning. Just music. (This is why I get frustrated when people ignore their own emotions, because then I can't do this. I can't help.)
Music can do nearly anything to your emotions. Music has made me cry tears of joy, and it has also brought me to the deepest sorrow. It can infuriate or calm, fuel the imagination or bring back to earth. So maybe, if I could find just the right tune to hum, I could make someone okay. I could heal.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Guarded
Sometimes when I feel overloaded I'll put my headphones in and look at the ground because I know that in our touch-sensitive society, is it unlikely that anyone will secure my attention unless they are obstinate.
It doesn't make me feel any better, but at least I have much more protection against human contact.
I do like human contact. I love to hear people's stories. I would be very happy to assist people however I can. I really really really love cuddling. (But of course, touch-sensitive society + socially paranoid me = no touchy unless I'm assure you're 100% okay with it.) But if I'm out of sorts, stay away. I know you want to help, but honestly no one really knows how to help me, and by talking to me it's likely you're only going to make me feel worse and I'm only going to worry you.
It doesn't make me feel any better, but at least I have much more protection against human contact.
I do like human contact. I love to hear people's stories. I would be very happy to assist people however I can. I really really really love cuddling. (But of course, touch-sensitive society + socially paranoid me = no touchy unless I'm assure you're 100% okay with it.) But if I'm out of sorts, stay away. I know you want to help, but honestly no one really knows how to help me, and by talking to me it's likely you're only going to make me feel worse and I'm only going to worry you.
Is ignoring you rude? Yes. Am I sorry for doing so? Yes. But I feel like it'd only be worse if I tried to carry on a conversation with my head down.
Honestly? I'm tired of being a wreck that no one knows how to fix.
I wish there was some magical something that would untwist my soul and heal my head so that I can just be [relatively] normal.
As it stands, the best I can do is try to survive and hurt as few people as possible.
The closer you get, the more I'm driven to leave. "'Cause I know that you try, but you need someone to be someone better than me in your life."
Honestly? I'm tired of being a wreck that no one knows how to fix.
I wish there was some magical something that would untwist my soul and heal my head so that I can just be [relatively] normal.
As it stands, the best I can do is try to survive and hurt as few people as possible.
The closer you get, the more I'm driven to leave. "'Cause I know that you try, but you need someone to be someone better than me in your life."
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