Listen. No, don't.

I want a lot of irrational things.  I also want a lot of contradictory things.
Sometimes I tell these things to people.  But usually only my counselor.  He's marvelous, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I wish there was someone who I could talk to without scheduling an appointment. Someone I could just text and say, "Hey, right now I'm really wanting ___" and not have to hear, "That's ridiculous." "You can't have that." "You shouldn't want that." "Why?" "You're kinda crazy." In truth, my desires are ridiculous, nonsensical, impossible, and unproductive to ponder on.  But still, it'd be nice to have someone to listen, and maybe even indulge me from time to time.

Someone who wouldn't be disappointed with me because of the things I want.

Undone

In the Circle of Life song from The Lion King, one of the lines is, "There's more to see than can ever be seen. More to do than can ever be done."
It was kinda scary to hear that as a kid.  I will never run out of things I'm supposed to do.  No matter the effort, the infinite mound of tasks on sticky notes can never be reduced.
Solution? Forget about it and enjoy the movie.

I have a rather active imagination, and I've often found that reality never mirrors what happens in my head. Reading it again, I have a different perspective of that line. Instead of fear of the never-ending list, it sounds more like disappointment for the things that will never be.  All the relationships unexplored. Adventures not had.  Peaceful moments not felt. Words unwritten, books unread. There are so very many things that could bring happiness and joy, and yet they go undone.
That's when "if" comes in to play.
If I had... maybe I would be...
happier
better
stronger
fuller
more
enough

Solution? Forget about it and enjoy the show.

Mis-double-take

It hurts to go back and relive the mistakes you made.
Most commonly I made mistakes because I was infatuated.
But I do believe that I have loved more than I have messed up.
I call that success.

To Not Know

I have a resolution!
Originally I had planned not to, as I do not enjoy fooling myself into thinking the small change of a measly number that I'm likely to forget if I attempt to write down the date will miraculously boost my work ethic to a high enough level that I can steamroll through accomplishments and become all that I wish to be.  So instead I'm assuming that I will continue to do nothing to improve my health and will thus remain at my current level of attractiveness and strength.  Oh well.

BUT! There is something I'm committed to changing, and hey, what's better than a holiday for a time landmark to start from?
My new year's resolution is to lie.  Sortof.

I've been living my life with the principle of honesty in highest priority [next to kindness, which will retain it's standing].  By this, everyone should know everything, but because of time they cannot.  Even though I'm aware that perfect honesty is an unreachable goal, keeping it as a supposed good one causes problems.  It makes me scared unnecessarily, as I fear the reactions of other people should they know xyz, but assume that in a perfect world, they would.  More importantly, it allows me to think that I'm somehow entitled to the details of everyone else's life.  I need to stop.  I need to lie.
Sometimes someone will how I am, and I will lie and say "good".  Instead of being uncomfortable with my answer and expecting the other person to pry due to the tone of voice I use, I should accept that they really don't need to know whatever is bugging me, and that I will be fine discussing things that are relevant between the other person and me.  It is not just okay but good to sustain relationships with other people based on a few pieces and parts of your personality.  It is not fake and bad to act differently around certain people than others because they are friends with a different facet of who you are.
Gaining the acceptance will be challenging, but I don't think it will be quite as difficult as keeping myself from prying and asking unnecessary questions.  I love late night talks where I ask question after question trying to piece together someone's entire life story. It does make me feel closer to that person, but in all honesty the details apparently aren't important to me, because I forget most of them by the morning.  People are often polite about it, but I don't have the right to steal their sleep to extract information that doesn't matter.  I could cheat and just tell people to stop me if they think I'm asking too many questions, but that won't really change me.  I have to keep a good eye on myself if I'm going to achieve the personality shift I am resolving to attain.

Although, this resolution goes against my blog.  This blog was created so that I could satisfy my desire for openness and honesty while keeping the things I share relatively secret (as few people actually read my posts).  Without the need to allow everyone else the ability to know what I'm thinking, this blog is unnecessary  Even so, it gets me to write down my important strings of thoughts, and I do enjoy looking back over them from time to time, so I'll keep using it.

The goal is set and now written: I will accept the necessity of not knowing.



I add a slight clarification: I will not be falsifying anything.  The "lack of honesty" will be from omission, not fabrication.  As attractive as it may seem, living a double life as two personalities that are incompatible is very painful and near impossible.  I will always be me, the conglomeration of the Calvin each and everyone knows by pieces.

Those moments

Random ones that don't make sense, but are still cool.

Like deja vu, when you recognize a series of events like you've seen it before.
That surreal but awesome feeling and small window of prediction.

Or the times when someone you know but don't know well, but they come up to you and greet like you've been friends forever.
Which has only happened once.  Just now.  It was weird.
It was cool!

Hello My Old Heart

We all go through mental phases.   Our naiveté diminishes, and our emotions fluctuate.  Sometimes we are more stressed, sometimes we are more relaxed.
Most of the time these changes are gradual and go unnoticed, but every once in awhile we can feel it.  We can recognize the fact that we don't think exactly the same way we did not too long ago.

Occasionally, we get to glimpse a previous mindset.  A certain smell or image can send our mind into memory, and allow us to compare how we have changed. We can see how much better things have become, or we can wallow in nostalgia.  The misery we see in the future can seem bleak when compared to the joy we used to have, and those we miss may never return to us.

"But you'll never live 'till you let it go.

Let it go."

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