Oh, to be Myself

I am not always me. Or at least, I am not always what I would like to consider Myself. There are times when others seize control and bear my name for a time. Each has a knowledge of its short span of existence, yet none wish to relinquish control. They all utilize their energy to put forth thoughts that increase their domain and to retard Myself from resisting.
This is not a simple as it sounds. Myself does not simply get jumped and thrown into a cage to rattle the bars until the captor is weary. Each intruder acts as a friend, a protector against outside attackers that Myself cannot handle. Maybe they are. I am not sure of the consequences of defeating them before they take over, but one thing I know: they each bring pain. That is the similarity between them, that they each incur pain. For this I do not trust them. Cliche as it is, there happen to be three major players, all unnamed. I am glad they are, for if given a name, they might develop further identity and result in Multiple Personality Disorder. As it is, they are more like personifications of a single emotion. There is no order to them, but I will start with the first one I remember appearing. For the sake of simplicity, he will be called Anger.
Anger was incredibly active in my youth, appearing often and without warning. For a number of reasons, he has become relatively inactive in recent years. He is the most outwardly destructive of the three. His weapon is fire. It immediately burns through my bones at any spark. A simple injury, a small comment, or even a slight facial expression can give anger the boost he needs to take over. His fire adds strength to my marrow and passion to my mind. Justification seems natural and correctness becomes absolute. In this way he tricks me into believing my sense of judgement has been righted, when in fact it has been skewed by the loss of reason. His rage is devastating to my environment, but while he is in control, my environment no longer matters. My life feels warm and full. He uses this fact to forestall his leaving. When there is nothing around for him to rage against, he will remind me of how empty and cold I will feel without him. He's incorrect though. After eating, sleeping, or a long time alone in thought, he will die down, and I don't always feel frozen. Sometimes I feel better, although guilty for the damage I let him cause. Other times, he gives his reign directly over to another. He is Sorrow.
A crafty mindset, Sorrow can use any situation to assist his plight. He takes good and bad in and around me to bring me down into the blue. With him I drown. He enjoys making me cry. Do not forget that he is me, so although I might say he enjoys my suffering, I'm not sure if "enjoy" is the correct term because there is no happiness for him. To be more precise, he exists to create misery. Most common after too much social interaction, Sorrow is a horrid companion, saying he is perfectly fine and giving no reason for his remoteness. Although uncomfortable for others, he is most damaging to the inside. He works in words, giving a constant stream of insults and discouragement, and allowing Myself to join in somewhat. The only reason he does so is to have more material to feed off of. Sorrow takes every subsection of sadness and applies it to me: failure, loneliness, defeat, despair, etcetera. Imagination is a prime weapon he holds. Images of self-injury, commonly by sword, are his most common tactic. He can be staved off by eating and sleeping as well, but he grows from internal conversation, giving him a longer time period of control as long as he can get me to avoid his physical weaknesses. After he has worn out, he leaves me with little energy, creating a perfect situation for the final oppressor to swoop in: Dark.
Dark has the shortest but most direct period of control. He tempts me into whatever dark deed he feels currently easiest to accomplish and then flees, normally allowing Sorrow to regain control off of guilt. Although he works the fastest, his weapons are slow. He implants molasses in the veins. This does not create apathy though, because that would defeat his purpose. When Dark is around, the molasses is more like honey, with a sweet taste and a golden glow that softens sharp points that contradict Dark's position. The closer Dark gets to his goal, the more honey he pours on, filling my veins until very little opposing thought remains. Without words, he promises an endless supply of the honey he uses for completing a single act. Of course, he lies. Once the act is finished, he leaves and the honey sours. The golden glow turns brown and the sweet taste turns into guilt. The molasses is thick, sticky, and flammable, creating a perfect situation for Anger to ignite or for Sorrow to drown. Dark is the most dangerous of the three. He is very adaptive to the situation, quickest to finish, and hardest to detect. Anger and Sorrow willingly show themselves to whoever is around, but Dark prefers to remain hidden, so that no outside forces will trifle with his dominion. Even worse, I have not found an easy cure as of yet. He is only able to be beaten if completely ignored in his early stages. Once I have given in, Dark is nearly impossible to stop. He is also the most destructive. Traces of his molasses stick with me, influencing my decisions for wrong and clouding my vision even without his presence. Unfortunately, he is also the most insistent, leaving for no more than a few days at once.
I do not know life without them. I might never do so. If they are indeed a part of Myself, they may be resilient to complete defeat as long as I exist. I do not enjoy their presence nor their after-effects, and so I continue to fight them as much as I can. In a small way, I can be grateful for them. Their continual interference has allowed me to develop a fuller understanding of the emotions they represent, increasing my acting ability.

Forward ho, I continue to fight to stay Myself.
Wish me luck.

Not lonely per se.

I miss so many people. Individuals in multiple places, some of which I'm sure have forgotten I exist.
Even though none of them are here, I don't really feel all that lonely. Luck me, the introvert.
More than missing them, I languish because I don't know if they miss me. Some of them, I think, were never happy to meet me, while others I accidentally let fade, when I shouldn't have.

This group is mostly made up of people I met at EFY. The counselors, my group, and everybody else I ran into. I miss them all.
I miss the cliquey girls that never talked to me because they were legitimately out of my league. To be fair, they intimidated me enough so that I didn't talk to them all too much either.
I miss the stereotypical boys who I didn't talk to too much either. If they didn't know how much I envied them, they never will. Even if they weren't as athletically or otherwise talented as they professed to be, their confidence level along with their charm was enough to win over many girls in the short span of a week.
I miss the girls who weren't so pretty, but were incredibly sweet. They were sometimes obnoxious, sometimes dead silent, sometimes incredibly strange, and sometimes pretty normal. They were all so kind to me though. I appreciate that so much.
I miss the silent guys. The ones who made me want to be psychic, so that I could laugh along with them inside their heads. They were normally the smartest, but rarely let it show.
I miss the people who were odd. I admit, I was never so intrigued or attracted to them during EFY, but I would still be more than happy to talk to them again. They normally had an fantasy obsession with anime or sci-fi, which I had a small knowledge of, but wouldn't mind discussing.
I miss the counselors that guided me as best they could. Even though I miss their support, I want to see them again as friends, equals really, and see that they see me as "grown up".
I miss the campus too. I never plan on attending SVU as a college, but I would love to have hours without anyone else there to explore and enjoy.
I hate seeing these people on facebook from time to time and missing them, while I suppose that they have moved on. Actually, I would feel better knowing that they didn't care anymore. Not knowing is hard.

I miss the people from Once Upon a Mattress. That was a great play with a great cast, and although I always felt jaded with my small part, I'm glad to have everyone we had there. I envy many of them for their amazing talent. Even so, I wouldn't mind just talking to them. I wish I had gotten to know many of them better, like Maggie, Matt M. and Jordan. I'm still amazed at how nice Joe, Matt W. and Ally were to me. I guess I miss them the most, because all three made me feel accepted. I miss Katy Jo. She was an amazing director, and she was so nice and funny too. I would absolutely love to do any play under her direction. I miss Judith and Chris because they are just awesome ladies. I miss Kirstyn a lot, and I wish she would share her funny thoughts more often. I miss Allison even though she is a little overdramatic. So much for hanging out. Too busy? I don't really miss Charlie or Kenny, but they are both very good guys, and I wish them well. The saddest part is that I won't be able to do plays with any of them for atleast three years.

I don't miss anyone from high school though. Nothing personal against them, it's just that public school was very stressful for me. Luckily, I have a bad memory and forgetfulness is already setting in. Soon enough I won't remember almost anything from high school, including the people there. My friends were nice, and in a different context, I wouldn't be averse to re-aquainting, but I don't plan on carrying anyone from high school.
Exception: Jacob. I do miss him and I am sad to leave him. I don't want us to lose contact, but I feel like it is going to happen anyway. And then he will be another facebook friend that I awkwardly glance at if I ever see him.

I miss Natalie. I will luckily see her soon enough, but I miss her all the same. She is a constant best friend full of advice and comfort. College with her is going to rock.

I miss Colin. We were in the age of meanness, and we differed quite a bit, but we were friends. We had a bunch of fights, and I feel like a lot were my fault, and since he hasn't been coming during the summers, I haven't seen him in years. I feel like I should apologize atleast, but I have no clue where he is or what he is doing. I hope he's doing well.

I will miss some church people. Since I see them at a regular frequency, I don't miss them yet, but i might when I go to college.


As a final note that sort of tags on to the loneliness concept, I am very worried about having a roommate. Luckily I know him, which will help with beginning awkwardness. I am used to having my own room with alone time whenever I want it. That's going to change, which could be quite hard. I was excited because from my little knowledge, I thought we were quite similar, but as I'm slowly learning more about him, I find that we are relatively different. I don't want to have to put on a nice face all through the school year, and I'm hoping I won't have to.

Thank you blog, you let me get all of my feeling out without putting them on facebook.
I'm good now.

Overwhelmed

Comfort has become a touch too complicated.

I started this blog (ta-dah) and was immediately hit with a wave of options.
Options are good and well, and allow for creativity, but it was fairly confusing to sort through all of the tabs, links, and drop-down lists.
In the end I left most of it alone. Hooray for apathy.

The insane amount of personalization in the modern world applies mostly to technology. I guess it's an accidental survival-of-the-most-dedicated situation, where those who care enough to read and alter so many different tiny aspects will have a more original and personal item.

Anyways, I basically just wanted to post something.

So say I
-Calvin