Crippled

That's the thing about disorders, they are a commonly targeted weak spot.  The right combination of words from the right person. The visual stimulus of a particular creature.  The imagined potential of physical harm.  Things that are normal to dislike, but are strange to cower from.  And what's more, the fear of the thing can enlarge and start to envelop circumstances in which the thing could appear.  No meetings with people who could say those things.  No environments where the creature might reside.  No activities involving anything like that contraption.  The mental block raises anxiety levels to above average on normal circumstances, but the real problem arises when confronted with the thing itself.  The utter surprise cannot be correctly handled by the mind, which sputters and stalls, unable to move on, unable to understand.  Terror runs like poison through the veins, paralyzing as it goes.  One can only hope to recover soon.


I'm not sure what the official diagnosis of me would be, but here's how I explain it:
I'm terrified that everyone, without exception, does or will hate me.  I'm so afraid of doing something wrong, and I'm mortified when it happens. Tonight, for example, I was talking with my new step-brother about Eve online and battlefield, two games he plays.  I honestly thought it was going rather well.  I was trying to politely make my exit by saying, "Well, I'll let you listen to the sounds." (He had previously let me hear through headphones the good sound quality of battlefield, which he was presently playing, and had commented on how much he enjoyed that aspect of the game.) To which he replied something along the lines of, "How generous." My brain locked.  I couldn't tell if it was sarcasm.  Was I not supposed to leave?  Was there something else he had wanted to explain to me?  Had he not wanted me here all along?  Was I annoying?  Had he said something the suggest this before and I just didn't catch it?  I couldn't function well enough to properly process his "'Night", so I mumbled "same to you" and walked out.
Now I'm downstairs, 40 minutes later, still freaking out.  I really hope he doesn't hate me.  I mean, it doesn't make sense that he would HATE me just for being annoying.  But then if in one day I've already gotten on his nerves he probably doesn't like me.  I really don't like when people don't like me.  I want my step-brothers to like me.  Both of them.  I think the other one doesn't like me, but that's probably just me being paranoid. He wasn't avoiding me, he's just busy.  Surely.  The my-age/older brothers I've wished to have my entire life don't hate me. It's just... just... I don't know.  I really don't like my head sometimes. What if they find out?  What if they think I'm obsessive? Creepy? Crazy? What if that makes more annoying, and they never want anything to do with me?
What is WRONG with me?  Why am I so unsettled by two words?  Why can I still see his face when he said them?  Why can't I decipher it?  Why do I CARE?! It's never going to be mentioned again.  He'll just hate me and never let me know.  He'll just hate when I'm around.  He'll still act nice, but only because he doesn't want to cause problems.  What was I thinking.  We'd never have been friends anyways.

..... so yeah.  Sometimes, like nowtimes, my brain does things.  This is enough of a demonstration methinks.  It makes me worried sometimes.  How am I ever going to be able to live a life with someone else if I'm always on my toes about doing things wrong?  As hard as I try, I can't be perfect.  I'm going to do stupid things unintentionally. I'm going to get hurt a lot and get paranoid without them doing hardly anything.  Two words.  That's all it took tonight.  Sometimes it only takes a facial expression.  And this issue is not my only one.  How can I do that to somebody?  Even if I fulfill a few needs, I don't think I could honestly burden someone with taking care of me.  That's why I'm going to live alone with a cat.  Because I'm emotionally crippled.

I should really be able to get a license or something to carry around a comfort cat.

Unfathomable

Have you ever thought about how incomprehensible someone else is?
So many memories and experiences.  A lifetime so big they can't even remember it themselves.  How they were raised.  Regrets they had. Assumptions they didn't even know were there, and the moments when they found out they were wrong.

I like stories from people.  Sometimes, people talk to me and I realize just how much I don't understand them.  I don't understand anything.  Not only do I not know the feelings they go through, I don't know how they think.  How they see.  I have no clue how their mental perception patterns function. I want them to be happy, because I know I hate being sad.  And I also get sad when people don't like me, but people like me when I want them to be happy.  Win-win.  No depth.  I don't know what happy means for them.  I don't know pain either.  I have my emotions and I've tagged them with words that mirror the word choice used for other people's similar situation.  Awkward. Angry.  Ashamed.

Maybe we're lucky.  Maybe we do all see blue the same.  Maybe our emotions are as in sync as we expect them to be.  But even then, I've found in the last little bit that I am capable of emotions that I didn't know existed.  Me, the buildup of years, with only a slight change in circumstance, can find something new.  How new, then, would be the plethora of feelings that are experienced day by day, and year by year, by someone who is different than me?  And as everyone is unique, everyone is different from me.

The magnitude of my potential lack of understanding is overwhelming.

Constant Change

The only constant is change.

A strange but true statement.  It's funny how much we're scared of things happening.  Especially at the college age there are so many happening to fear.  Relationships?  Job? Career? House? School?
The funny thing is that we've been told over and over again that these happenings really don't matter.  The initial high/low is real as real can be, but even large events like winning the lottery or becoming paraplegic have little if any effect on our overall happiness. Evidence here.
So within this paradox, we can always be assured that these events that make us so anxious before will have a small impact on how we feel after.  Additionally, we will likely make the "best choice" regarding said events when we are level-headed enough to think things through, instead of letting our worry push us to act rashly.

On a similar note, the constancy of change means that any immediate deviation from our normal mood is temporary. The exhilaration you enjoy at any given moment will fade faster than you want.  The depths of despair will kick you out soon enough.  Given this knowledge, we can always guess what's happening next.

"I'm so happy.  This has been an absolutely fantastic birthday."
"..."
"Something is likely going to go wrong soon.  Oh well, no use dwelling on something I can't predict."

A few days later

"I don't think I've ever felt quite this much pain all at once.  It's interesting because I've never had any feeling that is close to this one.  It's a different kind of pain, but it hurts so very bad and I just want it to stop.  I have to wait.  It'll be okay.  It will.  I'll be fine."

Lo and behold, some time and a bit of complaining later, and I'm on the mend.  I coulda guessed it.  I did.  For anybody else reading this, it helps.  It doesn't mitigate any of the agony, but it helps in keeping me from doing drastic things, which is really all that I can hope for in the unhappy moments.  And it doesn't make the happy times any worse knowing that they won't last, so it works pretty well.
Just a thought.


P.S. My dad got me 50$ to itunes for my birthday.  I love music so very much.