Just Be Happy, Kay?!

Sometimes people make it sound so easy.

"Just affirm yourself."
"Just let go of drama."
"Just be healthy."
"Just follow these few steps."
"Just trust God."
"Just love life."
"Just smile."
"Just be happy."

But I just can't.
I'm unstable, and no matter how happy I may be in a single moment, I will likely be distraught within a week. Similarly, no state of despair will keep me from feeling alright in a couple days time.
If you talk to me at the right time, I'll assure you of my great luck and the abundance of happiness I enjoy. But if you choose the wrong time, I'll detail the horrors of my life that are entirely my fault.  So it  annoys me when people act like everyone can be happy if they just try hard enough. If they just learn to respond correctly to the emotions that arise in response to unfavorable situations. Maybe I'm just a wimp and can't handle the responsibility of having to deal with myself.  Or maybe in all honesty the best I can do is to wait it out and try to do as few stupid things as possible.
Life is hard.  Really hard.  Things hurt, and when I get hurt I tend to hurt other people. I wish for millions of things that would supposedly make things better, but I have no guarantee that I'd enjoy them at all.  I'm often tired of everything.  Scared of everything.  I wish I were different, better, stronger, happier, but I'm not.  And if 20 years of experience mean anything, no amount of wishing is going to fix any of those.


*This is my pessimistic response to a post on another blog.  I felt that it would be inappropriate to publicly downplay someone else's happiness and encouragement simply because I'm unhappy.  So it stays here instead.

Listen. No, don't.

I want a lot of irrational things.  I also want a lot of contradictory things.
Sometimes I tell these things to people.  But usually only my counselor.  He's marvelous, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I wish there was someone who I could talk to without scheduling an appointment. Someone I could just text and say, "Hey, right now I'm really wanting ___" and not have to hear, "That's ridiculous." "You can't have that." "You shouldn't want that." "Why?" "You're kinda crazy." In truth, my desires are ridiculous, nonsensical, impossible, and unproductive to ponder on.  But still, it'd be nice to have someone to listen, and maybe even indulge me from time to time.

Someone who wouldn't be disappointed with me because of the things I want.

Undone

In the Circle of Life song from The Lion King, one of the lines is, "There's more to see than can ever be seen. More to do than can ever be done."
It was kinda scary to hear that as a kid.  I will never run out of things I'm supposed to do.  No matter the effort, the infinite mound of tasks on sticky notes can never be reduced.
Solution? Forget about it and enjoy the movie.

I have a rather active imagination, and I've often found that reality never mirrors what happens in my head. Reading it again, I have a different perspective of that line. Instead of fear of the never-ending list, it sounds more like disappointment for the things that will never be.  All the relationships unexplored. Adventures not had.  Peaceful moments not felt. Words unwritten, books unread. There are so very many things that could bring happiness and joy, and yet they go undone.
That's when "if" comes in to play.
If I had... maybe I would be...
happier
better
stronger
fuller
more
enough

Solution? Forget about it and enjoy the show.