Hurts for Better; Hurts for Worse

I cried tonight.  It was great.
Don't get me wrong, these were not tears of joy.  It hurt a lot and made me sad to realize the things I was thinking, and that is why I cried.  But after I felt it, I was okay.
I get sad a lot.  I'd venture to say that I get sad more frequently and more intensely than is healthy.  The problem is that most of these times, I shove it down.  I'm not supposed to cry.  I'm supposed to be strong.  I'm supposed to be stable.  I'm supposed to be happy.  So I yell at my feelings to shut up and stop causing problems.  I shut down everything because if I don't then my emotions will start hurting other people, and then those people will hate me.  So it keeps hurting until sleep repairs me, and sometimes it still lingers the next day.  And soon enough I start hurting again.  The process repeats itself, and the problems don't get fixed and I create more internal issues by yelling at myself.  I fabricate escapist ideas to block out pain.  I fall into despair because I can't face the unhappiness but I can't deny it either.
But sometimes, someone goes beyond the polite and acceptable, "Are you okay? Well, let me know if I can do something," and simply says, "You are sad."  At that moment, my barriers break and it all comes crashing down.  The flood of sadness sends tears rolling down my cheeks.  The fear behind it all screams to be realized.  Over and over it shouts its existence. But in this time, the falsehoods wash away.  I don't really want everybody to forget about me.  I just want to be loved, when I'm scared everybody hates me.  Being forgotten is much easier than being hated.  I don't really want to leave everybody.  I just want to love them, when I'm scared I don't really know what love is.  Not being there at all is better than loving falsely.
It hurts.  It hurts a lot to have the things I've been avoiding for so long staring me in the face.  It hurts a ton to be visibly experiencing the emotion that I'm ashamed of having.  But the tears don't run forever, and the fear stops yelling once it's recognized.  My heart is still wounded from all the injuries it has taken, but it feels better and so much warmer now that it has thawed.  Nothing has really changed. The past is still the same. I'm still Avoidant. I still have to turn in homework tomorrow.  But because I was able to be okay feeling these things, I'll be alright. Better than alright, I'll be well.  I'll be happy.


TL;DR - This "grin and bear it" thing is nonsense.

That Someone

I like to pride myself thinking that if someone were to need someone to talk to who wouldn't judge or be offended, I could be that comforting unbiased person.

But I'm not really sure.
Would I really be okay if they told me I was annoying?  Could I start lying to them because I want to sugarcoat things for them, when they've been so kind as to share what they're really feeling with me? Could I handle things well if they told me they liked me? Would I respond well to them telling me they think I'm attractive? What if they tell me they think I'm ugly?  What if they wanted to do something I thought was dangerous and stupid? Could I support them? Would I really be okay with someone else's conflicting ideas and desires?  Even if they completely contradicted my own?
Am I supposed to contradict them at some times? When? How? Am I supposed to fix the problem, or just listen to it told?  Repeatedly? Every day? What about when they change their mind? And change it back? Am I supposed to always agree with whatever they currently think? Does that make me a liar? Or does it make me unstable? Should I make decisions for them? Is that too pushy? Should I let them make all the decisions on their own? Is that unhelpful? Am I being extremist? Is there a middle ground that still allows me to be that someone?


Maybe I shouldn't try to be one.
In which case, I probably shouldn't hope to find one either.