Done, and yet, not done.

Finals have been taken, and the papers have all been turned in.
So theoretically, I'm done. I still have to wait for my actual grades, but I've got a pretty good idea of them all, and they're all good enough.
And of course, what would an end be without another beginning?
I was hoping that I would have a rather relaxing Christmas, but I'm not sure how well that's going to work out. I've got to prepare for my classes next semester, work on my mission papers, see people I haven't seen in awhile (or maybe, I won't), get gifts for my family, and go back to living as a dependent child for two weeks.
No refuge for the weary, I soon return to college, and then it's back to schoolwork and dealing with hordes of people. My favorite.

Who am I to complain? The wheel will roll on and I will be dragged along with it.
Hobey-ho and so I go.

I'm Rather Tempted to Obliterate You

Yes, I'm writing two blog posts in the same night.
It happens.

So the reason I'm writing this one is because I received one of those lovely little text messages that has been forwarded from person to person. You know, the ones that promise peace and prosperity if you continue the pyramid and threaten destruction if you don't? Yeah. I hate them.
First off, I am infuriated at the fact that so many people wish for easy wealth that they will succumb to something like this. I know that it is "human nature" and whatnot to be selfish and inconsiderate, but that doesn't excuse it. People don't seem to realize that if they have more, someone else has less. And if they don't give anything for what they are getting, their are STEALING FROM SOCIETY! They don't seem to realize that they are a part of this society, and that the ill they inflict upon it will eventually come back to stab them. This "easy-money" is both idiotic and greedy. This is why I do not approve of Kent's business ventures into Xango. (Although it is his choice and I will support him anyways because I want him to be happy.) Xango is a network marketing company with a slew of products that all come from this fruit called mangostein. Their leading product is Xango juice, which is supposed to bring balance to the body, supply extra energy, make you feel happier yadda yadda yadda. (Sound like snake oil?) They also have eleviv which is an antidepressant, but they encourage you to drink Xango juice and take eleviv regardless of whether you are clinically depressed or not. Of course, their products are unique because they're the only ones of their kind to have scientific research backing them up. (Although I somewhat question the extent and validity of this "research".) Their thriving business is founded on the customer/employees, who are expected to buy 200$ worth of Xango products, and then get other people to come to the meetings and sign up to become a customer/employee etc. Part of the income from the people you bring into Xango will go to you, and they recommend that you bring in three people a month. If you can do this (and the people you bring in can also bring in three people a month) you will be making money in two months, and be making lots of money within the year. Kent brought me to a meeting, and I couldn't stand it. Their elitist mindset and complete disregard for anyone who's not one of these Xango people is horrid. They don't realize how unstable something like this is, and how the money they are making MUST come from a slew of people that are all losing money. I am infuriated at their lack of consideration and short-sightedness. I'm also incensed that they claim to be generous because they donate so much money to charitable organizations. This is of course, after they've bought the large house with a giant lawn, the summer home on the beach, and the five high-end decked out cars, and made sure they have enough money for their great-gradnchildren. It's sick, especially since almost everyone will be sucked in all too easy by their promise of "achieving your dreams" by just bringing people to meetings.
Back to the idiotic text message, (yes, there's more to this) this particular one was an uplifting message, talking about how God's grace will pull you through, and "when He's taking something out of your hands, it's only to leave them open for something better." That ticks me off. I love my Heavenly Father and I do not want Him and His kindness thrown around like a sack of potatoes. I am glad that people find happiness from Him and wish to share it, that is all fine and dandy. But when they have the gall to put it into a text message attached to this voodoo promise/threat, and forward it out like it's some joke, that is when I cannot take it anymore. It is a terrible method of spreading happiness from the Gospel, as it is ineffective, harmful, and just plain rude. If someone comes up with a witty quote or a thought-provoking example, let them share it in person to others. Put it in a talk or a lesson. Tell it to your friend. If you must send it in a text message, send it to someone who you really care about, as a sincere thought for their personal well being. Don't just forward it to a number of people you're vaguely friends with. If someone wishes for an influx of random happy messages, I encourage them to read Conference Talks or if they are not LDS to go on Gives Me Hope.com (or any splinter site of theirs). Just please, don't treat something so powerful, marvelous, and sacred so lightly.

I Think I Might Like This

I have always been worried that I would come to college and find out that I'm really not meant for science or math. Instead I'm supposed to do something passionate like english, politics or theatre. My fears were unfounded, I'm not going to do any of those silly things.
Since any interest in english was crushed junior year of high school and I never really wanted to go into politics, I'll stick to theatre.
I admit, I enjoy it. Watching it is as good as reading a book. The art of freely displaying emotions is energizing. Taking a story (and I love stories) and giving it life is a wonderful concept. That being said, I hate theatre. Manipulating my emotions to fit whatever I'm supposed to be doing and fine-tuning them to fit the character more fully is draining, and it usually leaves my emotions rattled. In addition, I cannot help but be distrusting of people who spend their lives manipulation their appearance to achieve their goals. It doesn't help that I'm an introvert who loses energy by social interaction. It is all in all too much for me, and while I may enjoy it every once in a while, I cannot bear to be involved with it as much as I am. So I've decided that my audition this Friday will be my last for awhile. Honestly, I'm hoping I don't get into to the one I auditioned for today or the one coming up Friday. I'm excited that our theatre class play performs soon, and I'm anxious to be done with it. Sad as it may be, I'm excited to leave the HFAC for what I hope to be a very long time.
I am in no way lost for a major. My decision to go into chemistry was much smarter than I gave credit for. I am interested to see how I enjoy the higher level math class, although I think that the super-complex and not-so-applicable mathematics might not interest me as much as they used to. Chemistry, I admit, is difficult. At times I don't understand the concepts and sometimes I just can't seem to get the math right. But I love the way it has changed my thought process. I'm now able to see things happening in real life at the molecular level. I can understand why things happen the way they do, and what is actually going on. I'm excited to delve further into the specifics of how our universe functions.
I must admit I had been worried forever about going into science at all. Truth is, I don't fit the pattern of a science mastermind. I never won anything at any science fair. I did comparatively poorly in my science classes. I thought the science kits were interesting but I had no patience for the actual experiments and only liked the shiny things. I have a hard time visualizing things in space, and figuring out how a scenario will turn out. But all the same, I love it. And I plan on continuing.

Unexpected Boredom

First off, hooray for thanksgiving! (and the associated break)
Hanging out with Natalie for her birthday Wednesday, going to my Uncle's (and having a blast, I might add) on Thursday, seeing Robyn on friday, and Lounging around Saturday.
A pretty nice week so far, if you ask me.
It's odd though, I had expected that this break from bunches of work would leave me relaxed and happy, but I'm actually somewhat bored.
This quite possibly stems from the fact that I do indeed have things to do...
Because it's not much and it's not all due on monday, I feel like procrastination, but all the same it hangs over my head. Leaving me stuck in the limbo of "unrelaxed but doing nothing."
Even so, I have gotten some work done.
I guess I just expected less stress than I have. At any rate, it has still been an exceptionally good week.

Not Lonely per se. Part II

Reread. Rethink. Redo.
I decided not to completely obliterate my previous post, because it was true when I wrote it and it might do me good later on to think over it.
The status, my friends, has changed.
I can be happy in at a party nowadays. I can enjoy being around people and talking to them etcetera. Conversely, I don't care anymore. I still see random facebook posts of past EFY friends, the people in Once Upon A Mattress, and high school aquaintances, but they no longer phase me. I don't mind if they never remember me. I don't care what they think of me.
In the three weeks that I am in the middle of, I have a total of 6 exams and 5 papers. You can bet I will not be spending any time worrying about people I don't talk to anymore.
To qualify, I still miss my sister, even though she's here. I miss my little brothers back home and I'm delighted whenever one of them texts me. I miss Jacob so very much and we are definitely hanging out over christmas break. Everyone else? I might miss you a little bit, but I think I'll be fine.
Thought you all should know.

I Have Changed My Answer

As a "get to know you" activity in my American Heritage lab, our TA handed out differently wrapped kisses, and depending on the color we got, we had to answer a question. If I remember correctly, mine was gold, which was the question, "If you could get paid to do anything, what would you do?" My answer was nondescript and common, but I just realized I would change it.
I want to walk the world and watch people, to learn how they work. I want to ask them questions about how they think and what they would do in given situations. I want to find the sad and lonely ones, and hug them. I want to be paid to make people happy.
That is my answer.

Persistance of Thought

Whenever my head gets really going, I sometimes wonder what the point is. What good comes of this? Where is the benefit?
I'm not sure there is any at all, but wasting my time sewing my mind to the internet doesn't seem to be worse than throwing away time any other way.

I recently saw Tuesdays with Morrie, a very well done play here at BYU. It was required for my theatre class, and I'm planing on doing a write up on it as soon as I'm done with this. The story is one of a man who visits his old professor in the professor's dying days, learning much from his perspective. An emotionally-charged play, it jump-started my thoughts. I was actually quite glad because I found that I could enjoy the content of the play while analyzing the production of it simultaneously.

One of my first thoughts as I got up and left was the effect on people. We were a sizable crowd, and all of us did want to leave. The lines formed and people made their way to the exit, constantly running into the awkward junctions where who went first was rather randomized. Even so, there was no push. Consideration was given to others. I let a three person group ahead of me, yet at the next junction I went ahead of a lady. I thanked her, but wondered if that was her intention. Pondering these thoughts I considered how a crowd that had come from say, a club, would react to these circumstances.
I reached the exit and took my leave as quickly as possible, which was rather easy because I was by myself.
I pushed open the doors and stepped outside to swing music. A dance was going on, and the music was obviously swing. The tune meshed with my emotional high and a did a fast little step. Recalling Morrie, I wondered what I would miss on the brink of death. Would I wished I had danced? Acted? Loved more? Served more? Talked less? As I considered this my brain responded with it's common rhetorical question: How does considering this do anything for you? No novel thought, I realized I would continue my life and wake up tomorrow no different than I did today. "Maybe it's for the better," I pondered. "Maybe my inaction is in proportion to my lack of talent." I thought of Thursday. The day I saw the cast list my name wasn't on. Again. The day a guy sat next to me in chemistry who knew so much more than I did. He was able to figure out the answers much faster than I could. Mediocre. Normal. Negligible worth. Nothing. I chased these words around my head as I climbed up the stairs to the dorm and down the stairs to the basement. I devised to order them and string them out, letter by letter, and spin them into a blog post.
Ta-da.

Productivity

Efficient.

Surreal

First posted on Help.com, I thought this was a rather nice writing of mine, so I decided to repost it here.

Seven minutes after midnight I close my laptop, and thunder sounds. In an instant my brain realizes how much wasted time has been spent. Now that the video games, TV, and computer are turned off, and my imagination is in control, I’m back in real life. Sensation seems so new. The infinite world of drama, possibilities, mistakes, pleasures, pictures, words, and information unknown are swept away by my immediate surroundings. This can’t be healthy. It’s almost like drugs or alcohol: mindless entertainment meant to be forgotten. What was that funny saying? How does that cute kitten do anything for me? I’m glad I completed that level, even though i’m restarting the game next week anyways.
I’m sad to reflect and find that this shadow of life has become my life. My existence is spent avoiding itself entirely. In this moment of clarity I find myself wishing to be alone in this. Unfortunately, I do believe my hope is in vain. I fear that many, if not most, are trapped in illusion of one form or another. As we let fantasy become more important than reality, our reality dulls and fades. Each forced step back into real life becomes less and less pleasant as the real world falls apart. I don’t want to live this way. I don’t want to wake up in reality one day and wonder how it became so lifeless. This is a cry for help. This is a call to action. This is a question waiting to be answered. Why is everything so surreal?

Indeed I worry.

How cliche. I'm going to complain about the government.

I am worried for the United States. Our democracy has not become what it once was.

Government as a whole is hard. It is a wonderful idea: the ability to have a group of people working together for and with each other, with a government as the head. The issue with this is that the head must be intelligent, caring, dedicated, charismatic, strong, and balanced. Almost perfect. Unfortunately, people just aren't that good. Multiple types have been created in an attempt to find the best kind of government using the flawed people it consists of.
Monarchy hopes that the single ruler will be good enough, even with his/her flaws, to lead a stable people. With certain monarchs, this has worked. Countries have prospered under the control of an individual who is fit to rule. Unfortunately, it is not always this way. This method can make governments that utterly destroy the country, and transfer of power is not always stable.
Aristocracy is a form of government that allows more than one person to help make decisions, specifically the elite. It assumes that the elite will be more fit for the position having gone through training and education, yet balanced enough among the small group. Unfortunately, the elite upbringing does not always instill kindness for the less fortunate. A good idea, but too unstable.
Democracy is meant to use the entire population. Statistically, everyone should balance until a perfect medium is created, which would be suitable for government.

The Democracy/Republic combination the United States uses is indeed a very good idea. It allows for rapid decision making, yet allows for the voice of the people to base the choices.
Unfortunately, a kink has formed. Our people have become soft. They do not research. They do not question. Our government has become a tug of war of the loud ones. Groups can plead for anything, as long as they keep it "politically correct." The winners are the ones who can create the most believable propaganda, and get it to the majority. Our people eat it up. Rumors and gossip are some of our best judgement. Truth no longer matters. Our government is always in a constant swing of conservatism vs. liberalism, but I fear that we are ripe to fall into radicalism. Should radicals of either side become loud and favored enough to take control, our country will fall.
As of now, I worry that radical liberals are taking this chance. Playing on the heart of the people, they have convinced them that a minority, any minority, should be given extra power because they are not as represented. We are a democracy. As a democracy, the goal is to even out power. Giving one person more than another because of their condition, birth, or preference goes against what we stand for. Liberals hail "equality" but they instead fight against it.
What our country has need of now is silence. If no one is yelling, arguing, blaming, or attacking others, we might be able to find that we all, as America, are equal. Forget the past, forgive things others have done wrong, and work together to move forward.
It breaks my heart to see such a good idea become so tainted.

It's beautiful when Nature and I connect.

I was in pain, so I ran.
I put my headphones in my ears and made a playlist of my favorite songs so I wouldn't have to change them.
I walked down the road to the small entryway to the forest behind our subdivision. I slipped in alone and bolted through the path.
"It must have been awhile since someone has been here" I thought as I brushed away another spiderweb that I had run into.
The path shrank and became uneven. The dirt became less packed and more muddy. I was growing tired and my footing was unsure so I slowed to a walk.
The path became a dried up stream with small banks on either side. Sometimes I walked through the middle, and sometimes I used the banks.
The dried stream became a flowing one and I was forced to abandon my course for a slightly trod path through the trees.
This path ended up crossing the now full stream, and I had no intention of wading through, so I jumped. Hooray for being young and springy.
The path on the other side became less and less obvious as I continued, eventually becoming so closed in I had to duck through.
Strangely, the path cleared and opened up immediately after. Seeing a clearing not far away, I started running again and soon emerged into a field. Right near me was what looked like something wooden surrounded by thick plants and thorns. I walked around this odd clump and found a relatively easy entrance. The wooden structure was revealed to be a destroyed house, with wood rotting and the metal roof rusting beneath my feet.
I exited the enclosure and got a better look at the field I had walked into.
It guessed it to be mostly tobacco, but I wasn't sure. I saw a hill not far away so I walked through the unplanted parts to reach the top.
I was amazed at the butterflies and birds that flew over my head, not seeming to mind my presence. I disturbed some insects in the low foliage at my feet with each step, but they simply hopped or flew to another area nearby.
I reached the summit and looked back. It was gorgeous. The day was overcast, showing a light grey sky with a few different shades here and there.
The landscape was hilly, covered in squares of crops with green lines between them. Scattered throughout were strange clumps of trees and vines that stuck out because of their size, and seemed to serve no purpose but fit the scene perfectly. Surrounding the garden was a dense and full forest, covered in green but with some brown, yellow, and red poking out.
"This," I thought, "Is an amazing sight. Better than many tourist spots."
I knew I was on property that was not my own, so I looked for just a little longer before heading back to the forest. I had not been in the forest long before a dragonfly flew by too quickly to see clearly. It landed on a leaf near me and watched me. I paused to look at it, and it seemed to look at me too. We remained this way for ten seconds or so, and the dragonfly decided he had other things to do. I realized I did to, and continued my journey home.

Hidden in Shadow.

I hate lies.
Being mean is terrible. Being arrogant ticks me off. But lies are the worst.
Lying is cheating. When looking at a situation that will be incredibly hard to face, lying puts it away under a thin cover.
As time goes on, the unconfronted issue expands, and the cover must be extended.
Eventually, the problem becomes too large and too complex to hide, and it tears off the sheet and starts destroying things.
At this point, the original liar wishes they had simply told the truth from the start.
Unfortunately, our society has bred lying into our relationships.
We are supposed to impress others with our fake accomplishments.
We are supposed to sugarcoat the things others do wrong.
We are supposed to lead on people who don't feel the way we do, because it's the "nicest" thing to do.
We are supposed to please both parties who want us to join them.
It's absolutely maddening. How can you trust anyone when you're expecting them to lie to you?
As cute as it may be, it's heartbreaking to hear the banter of teenagers who obviously like each other but are both tripping over words to hide it.
Honesty, I realize, could tear the world to pieces. But from the pieces, the puzzle would be put back together. Correctly. Wouldn't it be nice if you KNEW who liked you and who didn't? If businesses couldn't trick you? If the agony of not knowing was completely erased?
That is my wish. If only it could be realized.

Oh, to be Myself

I am not always me. Or at least, I am not always what I would like to consider Myself. There are times when others seize control and bear my name for a time. Each has a knowledge of its short span of existence, yet none wish to relinquish control. They all utilize their energy to put forth thoughts that increase their domain and to retard Myself from resisting.
This is not a simple as it sounds. Myself does not simply get jumped and thrown into a cage to rattle the bars until the captor is weary. Each intruder acts as a friend, a protector against outside attackers that Myself cannot handle. Maybe they are. I am not sure of the consequences of defeating them before they take over, but one thing I know: they each bring pain. That is the similarity between them, that they each incur pain. For this I do not trust them. Cliche as it is, there happen to be three major players, all unnamed. I am glad they are, for if given a name, they might develop further identity and result in Multiple Personality Disorder. As it is, they are more like personifications of a single emotion. There is no order to them, but I will start with the first one I remember appearing. For the sake of simplicity, he will be called Anger.
Anger was incredibly active in my youth, appearing often and without warning. For a number of reasons, he has become relatively inactive in recent years. He is the most outwardly destructive of the three. His weapon is fire. It immediately burns through my bones at any spark. A simple injury, a small comment, or even a slight facial expression can give anger the boost he needs to take over. His fire adds strength to my marrow and passion to my mind. Justification seems natural and correctness becomes absolute. In this way he tricks me into believing my sense of judgement has been righted, when in fact it has been skewed by the loss of reason. His rage is devastating to my environment, but while he is in control, my environment no longer matters. My life feels warm and full. He uses this fact to forestall his leaving. When there is nothing around for him to rage against, he will remind me of how empty and cold I will feel without him. He's incorrect though. After eating, sleeping, or a long time alone in thought, he will die down, and I don't always feel frozen. Sometimes I feel better, although guilty for the damage I let him cause. Other times, he gives his reign directly over to another. He is Sorrow.
A crafty mindset, Sorrow can use any situation to assist his plight. He takes good and bad in and around me to bring me down into the blue. With him I drown. He enjoys making me cry. Do not forget that he is me, so although I might say he enjoys my suffering, I'm not sure if "enjoy" is the correct term because there is no happiness for him. To be more precise, he exists to create misery. Most common after too much social interaction, Sorrow is a horrid companion, saying he is perfectly fine and giving no reason for his remoteness. Although uncomfortable for others, he is most damaging to the inside. He works in words, giving a constant stream of insults and discouragement, and allowing Myself to join in somewhat. The only reason he does so is to have more material to feed off of. Sorrow takes every subsection of sadness and applies it to me: failure, loneliness, defeat, despair, etcetera. Imagination is a prime weapon he holds. Images of self-injury, commonly by sword, are his most common tactic. He can be staved off by eating and sleeping as well, but he grows from internal conversation, giving him a longer time period of control as long as he can get me to avoid his physical weaknesses. After he has worn out, he leaves me with little energy, creating a perfect situation for the final oppressor to swoop in: Dark.
Dark has the shortest but most direct period of control. He tempts me into whatever dark deed he feels currently easiest to accomplish and then flees, normally allowing Sorrow to regain control off of guilt. Although he works the fastest, his weapons are slow. He implants molasses in the veins. This does not create apathy though, because that would defeat his purpose. When Dark is around, the molasses is more like honey, with a sweet taste and a golden glow that softens sharp points that contradict Dark's position. The closer Dark gets to his goal, the more honey he pours on, filling my veins until very little opposing thought remains. Without words, he promises an endless supply of the honey he uses for completing a single act. Of course, he lies. Once the act is finished, he leaves and the honey sours. The golden glow turns brown and the sweet taste turns into guilt. The molasses is thick, sticky, and flammable, creating a perfect situation for Anger to ignite or for Sorrow to drown. Dark is the most dangerous of the three. He is very adaptive to the situation, quickest to finish, and hardest to detect. Anger and Sorrow willingly show themselves to whoever is around, but Dark prefers to remain hidden, so that no outside forces will trifle with his dominion. Even worse, I have not found an easy cure as of yet. He is only able to be beaten if completely ignored in his early stages. Once I have given in, Dark is nearly impossible to stop. He is also the most destructive. Traces of his molasses stick with me, influencing my decisions for wrong and clouding my vision even without his presence. Unfortunately, he is also the most insistent, leaving for no more than a few days at once.
I do not know life without them. I might never do so. If they are indeed a part of Myself, they may be resilient to complete defeat as long as I exist. I do not enjoy their presence nor their after-effects, and so I continue to fight them as much as I can. In a small way, I can be grateful for them. Their continual interference has allowed me to develop a fuller understanding of the emotions they represent, increasing my acting ability.

Forward ho, I continue to fight to stay Myself.
Wish me luck.

Not lonely per se.

I miss so many people. Individuals in multiple places, some of which I'm sure have forgotten I exist.
Even though none of them are here, I don't really feel all that lonely. Luck me, the introvert.
More than missing them, I languish because I don't know if they miss me. Some of them, I think, were never happy to meet me, while others I accidentally let fade, when I shouldn't have.

This group is mostly made up of people I met at EFY. The counselors, my group, and everybody else I ran into. I miss them all.
I miss the cliquey girls that never talked to me because they were legitimately out of my league. To be fair, they intimidated me enough so that I didn't talk to them all too much either.
I miss the stereotypical boys who I didn't talk to too much either. If they didn't know how much I envied them, they never will. Even if they weren't as athletically or otherwise talented as they professed to be, their confidence level along with their charm was enough to win over many girls in the short span of a week.
I miss the girls who weren't so pretty, but were incredibly sweet. They were sometimes obnoxious, sometimes dead silent, sometimes incredibly strange, and sometimes pretty normal. They were all so kind to me though. I appreciate that so much.
I miss the silent guys. The ones who made me want to be psychic, so that I could laugh along with them inside their heads. They were normally the smartest, but rarely let it show.
I miss the people who were odd. I admit, I was never so intrigued or attracted to them during EFY, but I would still be more than happy to talk to them again. They normally had an fantasy obsession with anime or sci-fi, which I had a small knowledge of, but wouldn't mind discussing.
I miss the counselors that guided me as best they could. Even though I miss their support, I want to see them again as friends, equals really, and see that they see me as "grown up".
I miss the campus too. I never plan on attending SVU as a college, but I would love to have hours without anyone else there to explore and enjoy.
I hate seeing these people on facebook from time to time and missing them, while I suppose that they have moved on. Actually, I would feel better knowing that they didn't care anymore. Not knowing is hard.

I miss the people from Once Upon a Mattress. That was a great play with a great cast, and although I always felt jaded with my small part, I'm glad to have everyone we had there. I envy many of them for their amazing talent. Even so, I wouldn't mind just talking to them. I wish I had gotten to know many of them better, like Maggie, Matt M. and Jordan. I'm still amazed at how nice Joe, Matt W. and Ally were to me. I guess I miss them the most, because all three made me feel accepted. I miss Katy Jo. She was an amazing director, and she was so nice and funny too. I would absolutely love to do any play under her direction. I miss Judith and Chris because they are just awesome ladies. I miss Kirstyn a lot, and I wish she would share her funny thoughts more often. I miss Allison even though she is a little overdramatic. So much for hanging out. Too busy? I don't really miss Charlie or Kenny, but they are both very good guys, and I wish them well. The saddest part is that I won't be able to do plays with any of them for atleast three years.

I don't miss anyone from high school though. Nothing personal against them, it's just that public school was very stressful for me. Luckily, I have a bad memory and forgetfulness is already setting in. Soon enough I won't remember almost anything from high school, including the people there. My friends were nice, and in a different context, I wouldn't be averse to re-aquainting, but I don't plan on carrying anyone from high school.
Exception: Jacob. I do miss him and I am sad to leave him. I don't want us to lose contact, but I feel like it is going to happen anyway. And then he will be another facebook friend that I awkwardly glance at if I ever see him.

I miss Natalie. I will luckily see her soon enough, but I miss her all the same. She is a constant best friend full of advice and comfort. College with her is going to rock.

I miss Colin. We were in the age of meanness, and we differed quite a bit, but we were friends. We had a bunch of fights, and I feel like a lot were my fault, and since he hasn't been coming during the summers, I haven't seen him in years. I feel like I should apologize atleast, but I have no clue where he is or what he is doing. I hope he's doing well.

I will miss some church people. Since I see them at a regular frequency, I don't miss them yet, but i might when I go to college.


As a final note that sort of tags on to the loneliness concept, I am very worried about having a roommate. Luckily I know him, which will help with beginning awkwardness. I am used to having my own room with alone time whenever I want it. That's going to change, which could be quite hard. I was excited because from my little knowledge, I thought we were quite similar, but as I'm slowly learning more about him, I find that we are relatively different. I don't want to have to put on a nice face all through the school year, and I'm hoping I won't have to.

Thank you blog, you let me get all of my feeling out without putting them on facebook.
I'm good now.

Overwhelmed

Comfort has become a touch too complicated.

I started this blog (ta-dah) and was immediately hit with a wave of options.
Options are good and well, and allow for creativity, but it was fairly confusing to sort through all of the tabs, links, and drop-down lists.
In the end I left most of it alone. Hooray for apathy.

The insane amount of personalization in the modern world applies mostly to technology. I guess it's an accidental survival-of-the-most-dedicated situation, where those who care enough to read and alter so many different tiny aspects will have a more original and personal item.

Anyways, I basically just wanted to post something.

So say I
-Calvin