Random ones that don't make sense, but are still cool.
Like deja vu, when you recognize a series of events like you've seen it before.
That surreal but awesome feeling and small window of prediction.
Or the times when someone you know but don't know well, but they come up to you and greet like you've been friends forever.
Which has only happened once. Just now. It was weird.
It was cool!
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Hello My Old Heart
We all go through mental phases. Our naiveté diminishes, and our emotions fluctuate. Sometimes we are more stressed, sometimes we are more relaxed.
Most of the time these changes are gradual and go unnoticed, but every once in awhile we can feel it. We can recognize the fact that we don't think exactly the same way we did not too long ago.
Occasionally, we get to glimpse a previous mindset. A certain smell or image can send our mind into memory, and allow us to compare how we have changed. We can see how much better things have become, or we can wallow in nostalgia. The misery we see in the future can seem bleak when compared to the joy we used to have, and those we miss may never return to us.
"But you'll never live 'till you let it go.
Let it go."
Most of the time these changes are gradual and go unnoticed, but every once in awhile we can feel it. We can recognize the fact that we don't think exactly the same way we did not too long ago.
Occasionally, we get to glimpse a previous mindset. A certain smell or image can send our mind into memory, and allow us to compare how we have changed. We can see how much better things have become, or we can wallow in nostalgia. The misery we see in the future can seem bleak when compared to the joy we used to have, and those we miss may never return to us.
"But you'll never live 'till you let it go.
Let it go."
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Shadow
One of my favorite things is to find out about people's weaknesses and fears.
Not because I'm trying to manipulate, but because it's hard to understand people when they seem perfect. I can't connect to the jock who looks to be having a splendid life, but the awkward kid who's been through a lot is right on track to being my best friend. I like helping people, and if I can't help you, then I can therefore only hurt you. Why would I ever want to be a leech, sapping resources from someone without retribution? One's flaws are an integral part of one's humanity, and it's that humanity, that mutual human experience, that makes for meaningful relationships.
Strangely, I find myself incredibly reluctant to display my own inadequacies. Knowing that I get irritated at "perfect" people, why do I work so hard to seem like one? Is it because I think others want me to be perfect? Or is it that I don't want to share my darkness in case the other person doesn't have any? Either way, I fear my fear; my sorrow saddens me. Like the groundhog, my own shadow calls in the frozen clouds of a long winter.
Hypothetical situations always have unclear resolutions, but this is still a fun one to ponder: What if our wrongs were all laid bare? Would the world dissolve into chaos as we find there is no one to trust, or would we find that we are all much more similar than we thought?
For now I'll subsist on late-night questionnaires.
Not because I'm trying to manipulate, but because it's hard to understand people when they seem perfect. I can't connect to the jock who looks to be having a splendid life, but the awkward kid who's been through a lot is right on track to being my best friend. I like helping people, and if I can't help you, then I can therefore only hurt you. Why would I ever want to be a leech, sapping resources from someone without retribution? One's flaws are an integral part of one's humanity, and it's that humanity, that mutual human experience, that makes for meaningful relationships.
Strangely, I find myself incredibly reluctant to display my own inadequacies. Knowing that I get irritated at "perfect" people, why do I work so hard to seem like one? Is it because I think others want me to be perfect? Or is it that I don't want to share my darkness in case the other person doesn't have any? Either way, I fear my fear; my sorrow saddens me. Like the groundhog, my own shadow calls in the frozen clouds of a long winter.
Hypothetical situations always have unclear resolutions, but this is still a fun one to ponder: What if our wrongs were all laid bare? Would the world dissolve into chaos as we find there is no one to trust, or would we find that we are all much more similar than we thought?
For now I'll subsist on late-night questionnaires.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Drain
Sometimes it can become all so clear.
Happiness.
We seek golden hearts.
Our potentially infinite existence thrives on the basis of all hope and all expectation: to have the joy humankind so desires.
What is there to do after this revalation but to end it? Nothing can be so natural as the fear and despair that follows insight like a shadow.
So the music turns up, the toxins numb, the fantasies conceal, and the droll progression of time pulls us along.
Let's have some molasses, shall we?
Happiness.
We seek golden hearts.
Our potentially infinite existence thrives on the basis of all hope and all expectation: to have the joy humankind so desires.
What is there to do after this revalation but to end it? Nothing can be so natural as the fear and despair that follows insight like a shadow.
So the music turns up, the toxins numb, the fantasies conceal, and the droll progression of time pulls us along.
Let's have some molasses, shall we?
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Hope: The Escape
Metaphysical walls are under quite a bit of pressure, and have a tendency to break.
There is a sadness in this, as walls are usually built for protection, and once they are down the outside world can invade at will.
Sometimes this comes in the form of one last blow that shatters the whole things.
Other times the structure erodes and holes appear and grow until there's little left but rubble.
There is a sadness in this, as walls are usually built for protection, and once they are down the outside world can invade at will.
But sometimes the expected army doesn't arrive; the woods of terror look more like an unthreatening meadow.
And this is hope: that the unnecessary walls would collapse and allow our escape.
That maybe the grass is greener out there.
That maybe the grass is greener out there.
Monday, July 23, 2012
The Game
Is all too easy to lose.
And that's precisely it. We're playing one of those crazy games where you learn the rules as you go, but with the time commitment of monopoly double-plus bonanza.
We are winners at heart. Our spirits are aware of what they are, even if only enough to drive us to win. But with rules that seem in flux and a piece that seems to move with chance alone, the easiest way to win is not to. Forget the game exists. Make up the rules yourself (and hope they're close enough). Lose intentionally out of spite.
Quit.
It is true that chance, as I take it, does play it's part in our endeavor. You may choose at forks in the road, but the spinner is not under your control, nor is the road on which you travel. Things will happen and it may seem like the game has it against you. Or you may find other players and feel that their only point in the game is to ruin your chance of success. But the game goes on, all the same. In truth, the game is all we know. Winning conditions and the prize therefor is debated constantly, but most realize that it's better to continue playing then attempt to leave and count your score as is.
The game wears on and with no end in sight, no sure goal to shoot for, no strategy immune to the whims of luck, players often find it easiest to let the game take it's course and make only decisions that are necessary. Easiest.
This game is to be played. It will not always be enjoyable, and you will make some bad choices, but the cards are in your hand. You will not know the game, but in playing you may find that you will come to know the truth about player. Let the world be your mirror and seek for what rules you can. Most of all, do not despair. You can live your life off of the assumption that the game is worthless or fake, or you can live it with faith that there is something to it.
Consider not which is worse to be wrong, consider instead which is happier if right.
May the odds ever be in your favor.
And that's precisely it. We're playing one of those crazy games where you learn the rules as you go, but with the time commitment of monopoly double-plus bonanza.
We are winners at heart. Our spirits are aware of what they are, even if only enough to drive us to win. But with rules that seem in flux and a piece that seems to move with chance alone, the easiest way to win is not to. Forget the game exists. Make up the rules yourself (and hope they're close enough). Lose intentionally out of spite.
Quit.
It is true that chance, as I take it, does play it's part in our endeavor. You may choose at forks in the road, but the spinner is not under your control, nor is the road on which you travel. Things will happen and it may seem like the game has it against you. Or you may find other players and feel that their only point in the game is to ruin your chance of success. But the game goes on, all the same. In truth, the game is all we know. Winning conditions and the prize therefor is debated constantly, but most realize that it's better to continue playing then attempt to leave and count your score as is.
The game wears on and with no end in sight, no sure goal to shoot for, no strategy immune to the whims of luck, players often find it easiest to let the game take it's course and make only decisions that are necessary. Easiest.
This game is to be played. It will not always be enjoyable, and you will make some bad choices, but the cards are in your hand. You will not know the game, but in playing you may find that you will come to know the truth about player. Let the world be your mirror and seek for what rules you can. Most of all, do not despair. You can live your life off of the assumption that the game is worthless or fake, or you can live it with faith that there is something to it.
Consider not which is worse to be wrong, consider instead which is happier if right.
May the odds ever be in your favor.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Everything I've Ever Wanted
I don't know what it's like for everyone else, but my life is pretty perfect.
Not perfect in the sense that my life is an outlier on the span of reality, nearly breaching heaven in my continual happiness, but in the manner that anything I could realistically want has been given to me.
Or maybe I should phrase it as: Looking back, I've been given most of that I want, and they're not necessarily all good for me, nor likely to all happen in one lifetime.
Proof: (What follows is from fate's imagined perspective)
You want to be intelligent? Alrighty then. Let's see here... a father that is brilliant as a role model, who values intellect and will heavily encourage you to learn much; A propensity for academics to further fuel your desire; The internet for endless knowledge at your fingertips, with a good set of books within reach in case you get tired of screens; Enough money to live comfortably and seek further learning without having to stress, and I think that's pretty set.
Athletics? Are you sure? Aah, you don't really want to DO athletics, you just want the prestige and health. We'll work with that. Let's put you in suburbia, so you can get exposure to a bunch of different sports. Here's karate, soccer, baseball, and football, and track. Anything? No? How about swimming? Not that one then. Cross country? Ah, we've got something! No, wait. Too tired? That's acceptable. How about we ease off and just have you dance a bit while we give you theatre. Welcome to college! Feeling incompetent again? What have we got... here's a string of people who like running. If you ever want to go try that again they'll be there. Have a dance class. Whoops. That didn't go so well. Maybe some other time. Why don't we... put you in jiujitsu? Oh yeah, you're awkward. SO! Here's an opportunity to have the president of the club get to know you, and here's a friend in another class to stick with you the whole time. AND! Here's a guy you knew briefly before. We'll set you up with a bit of luck on the first few days... and you're set! Perfect. Wait, you're tired again? Haha, that's alright. We'll throw something else your way as soon as we get it going.
You want to be a good person? That's going to be a tough one, I hope you know that. But it looks like you want it, so here you go. *WHAP* Yeah.... sorry, but the fastest and surest way to make sure someone is nice is to instill in them the importance of it. Which is best done when circumstances are... less than favorable. Oh, and we have religion right here beside you to give you a plethora of reasons to be good and a bunch of exercises to develop yourself. This is going to be a little more difficult since you want to be intelligent... because you're prone to be prideful. We can make this fit. These trials are going to have to be a little harsher. Alright good. I think we've successfully knocked pride out- shoot. Not yet. You just flipped. Alright, here's friends and leaders to bring you back up. And we're going to throw a lot of instruction regarding a HEALTHY self-esteem to you. Difficult case. But I think it's working... yeah we'll keep the treatment on for a few more years and I think we'll be at a good state to keep moving on.
How about relationships? What do you want?
We'll start with family. Ta-da! You have been placed to complete the structure of a perfectly nuclear family. One boy, one girl, Mom, and Dad. And you get to the be the spoiled little one! Wait... you wanted to be a good person... so we're going to have to tweak this a bit.... there! Now you have brothers. Oh stop pouting. You're going to love them a ton soon. I promise. On that note, stop being so mad at your sister. You two were placed together for a reason you know.
Let's move on to friendships. *sigh* You chose a hard road, little one. We're going to have to be super careful about who you get to hold on to right now, because you're very malleable and we're trying to give you the best shot possible at what you want for yourself. So you're not going to get much in the way of peers... but you can tag along with your sister sometimes. Oh alright. Here's a really good friend. BUT! You guys can only visit in the summer. It's not going to be perfect, he's going to help you work out some of your kinks. I think it's finally time. You're ready. Aaaanndd... GUESS WHAT?! You just got yourself a best friend. Two actually. You get to keep them for years. You guys are going to have so much fun. These guys were picked out specifically for you. Do you know how difficult it was to get two personalities to mix with each other's and yours just right? But, it's done. You're welcome. And now you want more friends? That makes sense. Quantity helps not to feel lonely. Here's some. No, you don't get a ton. You wouldn't want it. You think I'm wrong? Okay, here you go. A group. And as expected that didn't work. Here's another group, just to make sure. And that didn't go well either. But the best ones stuck around. Wait a tik, you're best friends with your siblings too? Told ya it would happen. Good job. They'll help out for quite some time. Especially your sister. Anyways, back to peers. You want to be "normal" in terms of girls? I don't think you do... but alright. Try this out- and done. Haha. That went rather fast. Maybe try again later. Still lonely? Alright, here's someone you can share everything with. Hold up, don't react so strongly. Hey, hold on. Wait. Stop. STO-. Okay. You're okay, it's fine. Just be careful not to go crazy next time. Here's somebody else. And it fades. And another one. And it fades. I know it's hard, but that's all we can realistically figure out since you want someone to know everything and once they do you don't want them around anymore without having to go through turmoil. College time. Here's a bunch of people to screen through. No, you don't get to keep any of them, but you get to learn a whole lot. You feel like you're losing too many people? Alright, here's a few you get to keep. You're welcome. Glad to see you're happy. You want something more? The professed "love"? Alrighty then. Let's see what we've got. Here. Is. Everything. You've got a girl far away who's been chasing you forever. And one back home who's a bit younger and has had a crush on you forever. (Sisters always have good information, no?) Here's a friendship that's grown throughout your college career; she's always been there for you and she's got the most amazing personality. Here's a spunky girl who's going to confuse the heck out of you. Oooh, that didn't go so well. Here's a still spunky but less forward girl for you to crush on; She's particularly special, with her math major, attractiveness, pet gecko, open heart, and similar circumstances to you; Pretty good job with that one yeah? Just for fun, here's a celebrity crush for you to fan-boy with; Haha, that is too fun, we'll have to keep this one going... how about she teaches a class and you can take it? Perfect. What do you mean girls are scary? Alright. Here's a girl who friend-zoned you and will openly tell you she had been waiting for you to ask her out. And she'll help you scheme to get these other girls. No? Okay. We're feeling generous. Here's a best guy friend. We'll set it up just right and... instant friendship. Opposite personalities for attraction and growth for the both of you; good communication to keep you together and further growth. He's going to give you a glimpse of a life very different from yours. You guys get to be really really super close. Oh, not again. Calvin, it's okay. This is a good thing. People are a good thing! Stop! We've tried so hard to make this work for you! But... it seems like it wasn't the right time. You can't handle this, so that means he has to leave. We'll make it kind. Keep on it, Calvin. You get to keep all the girls around. Don't lose faith, we'll just need to work a bit harder for awhile and we can find you someone. It's gonna be awesome. We promise.
This doesn't even account for the insane amount of luck I've had in frivolous things like games.
My life has been set up so well. Sometimes this drives me to despair because I feel like I'm not even close to worth it, but other times I just enjoy it and marvel at how neatly everything fits together.
Not perfect in the sense that my life is an outlier on the span of reality, nearly breaching heaven in my continual happiness, but in the manner that anything I could realistically want has been given to me.
Or maybe I should phrase it as: Looking back, I've been given most of that I want, and they're not necessarily all good for me, nor likely to all happen in one lifetime.
Proof: (What follows is from fate's imagined perspective)
You want to be intelligent? Alrighty then. Let's see here... a father that is brilliant as a role model, who values intellect and will heavily encourage you to learn much; A propensity for academics to further fuel your desire; The internet for endless knowledge at your fingertips, with a good set of books within reach in case you get tired of screens; Enough money to live comfortably and seek further learning without having to stress, and I think that's pretty set.
Athletics? Are you sure? Aah, you don't really want to DO athletics, you just want the prestige and health. We'll work with that. Let's put you in suburbia, so you can get exposure to a bunch of different sports. Here's karate, soccer, baseball, and football, and track. Anything? No? How about swimming? Not that one then. Cross country? Ah, we've got something! No, wait. Too tired? That's acceptable. How about we ease off and just have you dance a bit while we give you theatre. Welcome to college! Feeling incompetent again? What have we got... here's a string of people who like running. If you ever want to go try that again they'll be there. Have a dance class. Whoops. That didn't go so well. Maybe some other time. Why don't we... put you in jiujitsu? Oh yeah, you're awkward. SO! Here's an opportunity to have the president of the club get to know you, and here's a friend in another class to stick with you the whole time. AND! Here's a guy you knew briefly before. We'll set you up with a bit of luck on the first few days... and you're set! Perfect. Wait, you're tired again? Haha, that's alright. We'll throw something else your way as soon as we get it going.
You want to be a good person? That's going to be a tough one, I hope you know that. But it looks like you want it, so here you go. *WHAP* Yeah.... sorry, but the fastest and surest way to make sure someone is nice is to instill in them the importance of it. Which is best done when circumstances are... less than favorable. Oh, and we have religion right here beside you to give you a plethora of reasons to be good and a bunch of exercises to develop yourself. This is going to be a little more difficult since you want to be intelligent... because you're prone to be prideful. We can make this fit. These trials are going to have to be a little harsher. Alright good. I think we've successfully knocked pride out- shoot. Not yet. You just flipped. Alright, here's friends and leaders to bring you back up. And we're going to throw a lot of instruction regarding a HEALTHY self-esteem to you. Difficult case. But I think it's working... yeah we'll keep the treatment on for a few more years and I think we'll be at a good state to keep moving on.
How about relationships? What do you want?
We'll start with family. Ta-da! You have been placed to complete the structure of a perfectly nuclear family. One boy, one girl, Mom, and Dad. And you get to the be the spoiled little one! Wait... you wanted to be a good person... so we're going to have to tweak this a bit.... there! Now you have brothers. Oh stop pouting. You're going to love them a ton soon. I promise. On that note, stop being so mad at your sister. You two were placed together for a reason you know.
Let's move on to friendships. *sigh* You chose a hard road, little one. We're going to have to be super careful about who you get to hold on to right now, because you're very malleable and we're trying to give you the best shot possible at what you want for yourself. So you're not going to get much in the way of peers... but you can tag along with your sister sometimes. Oh alright. Here's a really good friend. BUT! You guys can only visit in the summer. It's not going to be perfect, he's going to help you work out some of your kinks. I think it's finally time. You're ready. Aaaanndd... GUESS WHAT?! You just got yourself a best friend. Two actually. You get to keep them for years. You guys are going to have so much fun. These guys were picked out specifically for you. Do you know how difficult it was to get two personalities to mix with each other's and yours just right? But, it's done. You're welcome. And now you want more friends? That makes sense. Quantity helps not to feel lonely. Here's some. No, you don't get a ton. You wouldn't want it. You think I'm wrong? Okay, here you go. A group. And as expected that didn't work. Here's another group, just to make sure. And that didn't go well either. But the best ones stuck around. Wait a tik, you're best friends with your siblings too? Told ya it would happen. Good job. They'll help out for quite some time. Especially your sister. Anyways, back to peers. You want to be "normal" in terms of girls? I don't think you do... but alright. Try this out- and done. Haha. That went rather fast. Maybe try again later. Still lonely? Alright, here's someone you can share everything with. Hold up, don't react so strongly. Hey, hold on. Wait. Stop. STO-. Okay. You're okay, it's fine. Just be careful not to go crazy next time. Here's somebody else. And it fades. And another one. And it fades. I know it's hard, but that's all we can realistically figure out since you want someone to know everything and once they do you don't want them around anymore without having to go through turmoil. College time. Here's a bunch of people to screen through. No, you don't get to keep any of them, but you get to learn a whole lot. You feel like you're losing too many people? Alright, here's a few you get to keep. You're welcome. Glad to see you're happy. You want something more? The professed "love"? Alrighty then. Let's see what we've got. Here. Is. Everything. You've got a girl far away who's been chasing you forever. And one back home who's a bit younger and has had a crush on you forever. (Sisters always have good information, no?) Here's a friendship that's grown throughout your college career; she's always been there for you and she's got the most amazing personality. Here's a spunky girl who's going to confuse the heck out of you. Oooh, that didn't go so well. Here's a still spunky but less forward girl for you to crush on; She's particularly special, with her math major, attractiveness, pet gecko, open heart, and similar circumstances to you; Pretty good job with that one yeah? Just for fun, here's a celebrity crush for you to fan-boy with; Haha, that is too fun, we'll have to keep this one going... how about she teaches a class and you can take it? Perfect. What do you mean girls are scary? Alright. Here's a girl who friend-zoned you and will openly tell you she had been waiting for you to ask her out. And she'll help you scheme to get these other girls. No? Okay. We're feeling generous. Here's a best guy friend. We'll set it up just right and... instant friendship. Opposite personalities for attraction and growth for the both of you; good communication to keep you together and further growth. He's going to give you a glimpse of a life very different from yours. You guys get to be really really super close. Oh, not again. Calvin, it's okay. This is a good thing. People are a good thing! Stop! We've tried so hard to make this work for you! But... it seems like it wasn't the right time. You can't handle this, so that means he has to leave. We'll make it kind. Keep on it, Calvin. You get to keep all the girls around. Don't lose faith, we'll just need to work a bit harder for awhile and we can find you someone. It's gonna be awesome. We promise.
This doesn't even account for the insane amount of luck I've had in frivolous things like games.
My life has been set up so well. Sometimes this drives me to despair because I feel like I'm not even close to worth it, but other times I just enjoy it and marvel at how neatly everything fits together.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Hum
Sometimes I wish I could heal people.
In one way, I mean that I wish I was a heal-spec shaman or something who could chant for a few seconds and the guy out on the soccer field would get all his health back.
But in a more real way, I wish I could heal people on the inside.
Story time:
I was at my uncle's house with my sister, [You should all know that my Uncle Kenneth and his family are absolutely marvelous people.] and I was holding my second cousin, Lily. She was an adorable little baby and she was pretty tired. I swayed back and forth and hummed a short little tune that I made up. It wasn't complex, and it pushed a bit on my higher registers, but it was still okay music. Lily fell asleep easily. I didn't really realize that the others in the room could hear me until my sister remarked on how Margaret was humming along with me.
I want to do that with people. I know I'm not strong enough to physically hold them in my arms, but I really just want to rock the hurting people back and forth and just hum to them until they forget their problems in sleep.
I'd love to help each and every single hurt person (which would be all of them), but I'd settle for just one. One person to love, that I can just hold them and hum to them. No words. No meaning. Just music. (This is why I get frustrated when people ignore their own emotions, because then I can't do this. I can't help.)
Music can do nearly anything to your emotions. Music has made me cry tears of joy, and it has also brought me to the deepest sorrow. It can infuriate or calm, fuel the imagination or bring back to earth. So maybe, if I could find just the right tune to hum, I could make someone okay. I could heal.
In one way, I mean that I wish I was a heal-spec shaman or something who could chant for a few seconds and the guy out on the soccer field would get all his health back.
But in a more real way, I wish I could heal people on the inside.
Story time:
I was at my uncle's house with my sister, [You should all know that my Uncle Kenneth and his family are absolutely marvelous people.] and I was holding my second cousin, Lily. She was an adorable little baby and she was pretty tired. I swayed back and forth and hummed a short little tune that I made up. It wasn't complex, and it pushed a bit on my higher registers, but it was still okay music. Lily fell asleep easily. I didn't really realize that the others in the room could hear me until my sister remarked on how Margaret was humming along with me.
I want to do that with people. I know I'm not strong enough to physically hold them in my arms, but I really just want to rock the hurting people back and forth and just hum to them until they forget their problems in sleep.
I'd love to help each and every single hurt person (which would be all of them), but I'd settle for just one. One person to love, that I can just hold them and hum to them. No words. No meaning. Just music. (This is why I get frustrated when people ignore their own emotions, because then I can't do this. I can't help.)
Music can do nearly anything to your emotions. Music has made me cry tears of joy, and it has also brought me to the deepest sorrow. It can infuriate or calm, fuel the imagination or bring back to earth. So maybe, if I could find just the right tune to hum, I could make someone okay. I could heal.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Guarded
Sometimes when I feel overloaded I'll put my headphones in and look at the ground because I know that in our touch-sensitive society, is it unlikely that anyone will secure my attention unless they are obstinate.
It doesn't make me feel any better, but at least I have much more protection against human contact.
I do like human contact. I love to hear people's stories. I would be very happy to assist people however I can. I really really really love cuddling. (But of course, touch-sensitive society + socially paranoid me = no touchy unless I'm assure you're 100% okay with it.) But if I'm out of sorts, stay away. I know you want to help, but honestly no one really knows how to help me, and by talking to me it's likely you're only going to make me feel worse and I'm only going to worry you.
It doesn't make me feel any better, but at least I have much more protection against human contact.
I do like human contact. I love to hear people's stories. I would be very happy to assist people however I can. I really really really love cuddling. (But of course, touch-sensitive society + socially paranoid me = no touchy unless I'm assure you're 100% okay with it.) But if I'm out of sorts, stay away. I know you want to help, but honestly no one really knows how to help me, and by talking to me it's likely you're only going to make me feel worse and I'm only going to worry you.
Is ignoring you rude? Yes. Am I sorry for doing so? Yes. But I feel like it'd only be worse if I tried to carry on a conversation with my head down.
Honestly? I'm tired of being a wreck that no one knows how to fix.
I wish there was some magical something that would untwist my soul and heal my head so that I can just be [relatively] normal.
As it stands, the best I can do is try to survive and hurt as few people as possible.
The closer you get, the more I'm driven to leave. "'Cause I know that you try, but you need someone to be someone better than me in your life."
Honestly? I'm tired of being a wreck that no one knows how to fix.
I wish there was some magical something that would untwist my soul and heal my head so that I can just be [relatively] normal.
As it stands, the best I can do is try to survive and hurt as few people as possible.
The closer you get, the more I'm driven to leave. "'Cause I know that you try, but you need someone to be someone better than me in your life."
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Everyone is Stupid
“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”
-attributed to Albert Einstein
I agree.
My belief is that everyone has a nearly equal net intelligence. (The rest of this post uses this as an axiom. If you disagree, my argument is null and void and there is little point to you continuing on reading this.) People considered genii are usually high above the average in a specific type of smarts, but by my belief this also means that they are either severely below average in a different ability or slightly below average in many of the rest. [As unfounded proof: Note the stereotype of the nerds/geeks who have high levels of mental prowess but feeble physical strengths and relatively low social skills, while the stereotype of the jocks with incredible physical self-knowledge but little academic ability (and low social skills; they get popularity from their talent, not social suave).] Due to the cultural push for specification, it is likely that those who have strengths in certain areas will continue to work and improve in those areas, while their weakness continue to become frail. Thus the true "average" who is perfectly normal in every category is unlikely enough to make Einstein's statement statistically valid.
Also, it makes mine valid. Everyone is an idiot.
Now that my word choice has hopefully manipulated you into a defensive mode (either in defense of yourself or someone you know), allow me to explain.
The fact that everyone is an idiot is a wonderful thing. Teaching brings people together, when all are willing to learn. [A domineering and stubborn instructor is just as useless as an proud student. Realize that you and everyone around you is an idiot, and be okay with learning more. You'll enjoy it. I promise.] Because everyone is an idiot, everyone can be taught. Because everyone has approximately equal net intelligence, anyone with more than you in one area has less than you in another. Thus teaching is always possible and whoever can humble themselves enough to take instruction can continually draw closer to others.
See? Being unintelligent is a marvelous thing.
Unfortunately, it's harder than it sounds as people have different learning and teaching styles, and trying to fit them together doesn't always work.
Personally, I have a problem with unfocusing. You can't teach me more than one thing simultaneously, and you can't teach me much at all if I'm doing any task that requires my attention. In addition: I am not very in tune with my body, so whoever generously attempts to teach me anything physical cannot expect good results if they assume I can do anything "naturally".
This was my problem in dance. I felt like that fish trying to climb a tree. Or more like a canary told to learn to dive and instead ending up very depressed and rather dead. I am slow in remembering steps to begin with, so any more than five and I was lost. Add on the techniques of shoulders back, arms down, closed hands, up on toes, straight legs, point foot but not sickle, big jumps but ones that land on beat, and keeping feet turned out and I felt so overwhelmed that most of the time my brain just gave up. I can get one thing at a time. One. And I need a lot of time to practice that one thing before it becomes natural enough to do without thinking. It was luckily a beginning dance class, so I still got a B+, but I was certainly glad when I no longer had to attend it.
This was also my problem today in jiujutsu. Normally I do quite well, as the moves are taught step by step and we are given time to practice over and over again before we move on. It still takes a long time before I can remember anything in an actual grapple, and even longer to perform them well in one, but this method of instruction works well for me. Being slow to learn, I often get into positions where I don't really know what to do from there, so my partner teaches me something. Unfortunately, the teaching style of one of my opponents didn't work all that well for me. I assume that he was used to his body and was pretty good at figuring things out, because that's how he would attempt to teach me. I can't do that. If I'm in a bad position, my first and only focus is survival. Don't die yet. Don't die yet. Keep going. So surviving AND trying to "figure out" how to change positions is beyond me. I'm also not really a spacial thinker, so my brain doesn't creatively see positions with any kind of accuracy. Luckily he gave me hints and pointers each time I floundered for a minute or so. Which was every time. I still learned a lot, but his teaching style only served to frustrate me. Lying on the ground with him sitting on my chest forever as I struggled to keep him from choking me or breaking my arm was not fun and not too informational. I must admit that practicing survival from the worse side of mount was good, but I still wish he would of taught me things and let me practice instead of waiting for me to fail long enough that it was obvious that I couldn't do anything.
Thinking over this, I realized something. I probably do this to other people, specifically with math. My ability to focus works incredibly well with math, as I can attack a problem from many different angles for quite some time without tiring. I can also plow through pages of work on a single equation and still be going strong. While I try to recognize that the people that need my help do not have the minds that will figure it out for themselves, I think I can sometimes push people to apply the method I've just shown them before they really understand how it works.
Then again, sometimes people are just lazy and want me to do algebra from them. Not that I mind really, algebra is fun for me.
Either way, I should probably be a little more sensitive to others' inability to comprehend things at my level, and a little more patient with myself when I don't quite get things at someone else's.
Then again, sometimes people are just lazy and want me to do algebra from them. Not that I mind really, algebra is fun for me.
Either way, I should probably be a little more sensitive to others' inability to comprehend things at my level, and a little more patient with myself when I don't quite get things at someone else's.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Small Rant
I don't need convincing, I need help.
I consider myself a very analytical person, and I can assure you I've weighed the pros and cons multiple times. My decisions are rather set once I settle them and arguing will be fruitless unless you happen to have some new information or a point I truly hadn't considered. [Best of luck in that endeavor.]
Furthermore, WE ARE IN AGREEMENT.
So please: cut the speech; listen to me; help me out here.
I know what needs to be done, I just need a few extra hands to help me get there.
I consider myself a very analytical person, and I can assure you I've weighed the pros and cons multiple times. My decisions are rather set once I settle them and arguing will be fruitless unless you happen to have some new information or a point I truly hadn't considered. [Best of luck in that endeavor.]
Furthermore, WE ARE IN AGREEMENT.
So please: cut the speech; listen to me; help me out here.
I know what needs to be done, I just need a few extra hands to help me get there.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Set Your Sights
I'm of the opinion that the mind is an incredibly powerful thing, and that it can do nearly anything. I also believe that one's basis of agency stems completely from the mind.
As the task we have in this life is to use our agency correctly, we must then learn how to hone our minds to do the right thing. Coming up with the perfect answer to this is nigh impossible, but from my current experience focus has quite a lot to do with it.
One's actions do come from the mind, but not just immediate thoughts. A mind it something like an amoeba of ideas. It can move and branch out, but it can't get too far from the center, and the center doesn't move too quickly. Some people really cannot comprehend things, because it is simply too far from their current "center" to reach it. Can they get there eventually? Certainly. Will it take work? Yes.
Our minds are light-attracted amoebas. Within this context, light does not refer to goodness; it refers to happiness. Any ounce of joy within our reach we'll grab at, whether it's the sunlight of peace or the fluorescence of pleasure. In addition, we don't really like to move.
In summary - we'll naturally shift towards whatever light is near us, and naturally focus on whatever is easily happy for us.
Our brains need light, but the wrong kind can kill them. The plethora of numbing lights can be nice, but also devastating. Not only are we surrounded by a multitude of easy distractions, our own minds can create complex imaginings that can take us from this world and keep us cozy inside our own heads. This relief from life can be a very good stress reliever when used correctly, but all too often our amoebas bathe in the light and come out weary and lethargic, only to return again. In our further slowed state we are even more reluctant to move and less likely to head towards the more distant sunlight.
Pulse lights are also devastating. The bright flash is stimulating and incites emotional functioning like no other, but fades all too quickly. After the bright light the world seems darker, and the amoeba franticly searches for another pulse nearby. One can get caught in the endless cycle, forever getting more extreme in the need for bright light and the despair of following darkness until it simply becomes too much.
True sunlight is marvelous, but it moves. One cannot simply sit in the same place and expect to bathe in the glow all day. The effort it takes to follow the sun is weighed against the feel of the light, and one chooses to either move with it or let it leave.
Unfortunately, with all of the pulse lights and numbing glows around, choosing to follow the best light is a difficult decision.
Now for some specifics:
The reason I'm making this extended metaphor is because I've been finding myself to be a rather unintelligent amoeba lately. I've got both a numbing light and a pulse and neither of them are doing me any real good.
The numbing light is my mental fantasy realm. Away from everything, it promises boundless possibilities and harbors no fears. Everything goes exactly as planned. People are no worry. Anything I want to do is doable. Everything is perfect, except for one thing: it's not real.
In my hole of imagination I hide away from the world that isn't perfect, and reality looks scarier every day. It is unfortunate that this has been my coping mechanism my entire life, because my amoeba is so used to living here that moving away at all is a great struggle. Yet it must happen. The downward spiral of escapism only to return and find the world scarier than I remembered and subsequently flee back to make-believe has unfortunately become unstable. Reality has become so frightening that I'm oblivious to nearly everything, and when I look for a reason to live life I don't have one. My usual plan to fix this? Stop thinking about it and head back to dreaming. My life used to be scary. It may not have been scary objectively, but for me it was frightening. That is no longer the case. The world around me is actually rather marvelous, but I have been so conditioned to disappear that it's all I can do right now. I can't live by surviving the bouts of reality and hiding from them whenever possible, and I most certainly cannot progress that way. Thus: I'm trying to tone down the intensity of my imagination and live here a little bit more. No promises though, this is a difficult process.
I am embarrassed to admit, but the pulse is the promise of love. Yes, I feel stereotypical, corny, and all around pathetic, but as a normal human being, this happens. In addition, our culture is infused with references to love. There are endless songs, billions of books, and nearly infinite images of people in love. While a large part of this is romantic love, and romantic love seems to be one of if not the most cathartic form, there are others that are also potent. Familial love is strong, and by many accounts a necessity for normal functioning. While most people, including me, probably have more love than they think they have, the stories of perfect families entice us to wish for more. So many people I've talked to have wished they had an extra sibling. Or one less. Or a different one. Or a different parent. Or a different family altogether. As much as some families might seem, no family is perfect. In addition no family, no matter how amazing, is going to fulfill your desire for that strong feeling of love all the time. No person will for that matter.
That brings me to the heavier half of love: one-on-one relationships. I'm grouping romantic relationships and best-friendships together because if your significant other is not your best friend, that's a different kind of pulse light altogether. Living in a singles ward, this desire is rampant. Not everyone is frantically searching for someone, but many are. In my opinion, the supplements don't really help. Love that will sustain a family is not the infatuation that will remove a person's faults. Love that will last and continue to sustain the poor amoeba is the kind that comes when you really learn the inside of someone, and more importantly, let them inside you. So the Jane Austen marathons don't do much except scratch that itch to have that someone and increase the threat of loneliness. The momentary happiness is enjoyable, but the lasting hole hurts. If it gets too out of hand, one's desperation can lead one to choose to take whatever they can. This usually leads to dropping it when it gets stale. This leads me to where I am in this mess: due to my aforementioned lack of reality, I'm too scared of other people and too scared of being a terrible best friend to really be considered looking. I still allow myself to watch the movies, read the books, and listen to the songs, but I'm aware I'm nowhere close to finding anyone. The resolution with this one is to try to lessen the ache of longing, but if this one falls through, I'm not too worried.
In summary: Be wary of what you focus on; dwell too long and addiction might set in.
I've got plans to improve.
True sunlight is marvelous, but it moves. One cannot simply sit in the same place and expect to bathe in the glow all day. The effort it takes to follow the sun is weighed against the feel of the light, and one chooses to either move with it or let it leave.
Unfortunately, with all of the pulse lights and numbing glows around, choosing to follow the best light is a difficult decision.
Now for some specifics:
The reason I'm making this extended metaphor is because I've been finding myself to be a rather unintelligent amoeba lately. I've got both a numbing light and a pulse and neither of them are doing me any real good.
The numbing light is my mental fantasy realm. Away from everything, it promises boundless possibilities and harbors no fears. Everything goes exactly as planned. People are no worry. Anything I want to do is doable. Everything is perfect, except for one thing: it's not real.
In my hole of imagination I hide away from the world that isn't perfect, and reality looks scarier every day. It is unfortunate that this has been my coping mechanism my entire life, because my amoeba is so used to living here that moving away at all is a great struggle. Yet it must happen. The downward spiral of escapism only to return and find the world scarier than I remembered and subsequently flee back to make-believe has unfortunately become unstable. Reality has become so frightening that I'm oblivious to nearly everything, and when I look for a reason to live life I don't have one. My usual plan to fix this? Stop thinking about it and head back to dreaming. My life used to be scary. It may not have been scary objectively, but for me it was frightening. That is no longer the case. The world around me is actually rather marvelous, but I have been so conditioned to disappear that it's all I can do right now. I can't live by surviving the bouts of reality and hiding from them whenever possible, and I most certainly cannot progress that way. Thus: I'm trying to tone down the intensity of my imagination and live here a little bit more. No promises though, this is a difficult process.
I am embarrassed to admit, but the pulse is the promise of love. Yes, I feel stereotypical, corny, and all around pathetic, but as a normal human being, this happens. In addition, our culture is infused with references to love. There are endless songs, billions of books, and nearly infinite images of people in love. While a large part of this is romantic love, and romantic love seems to be one of if not the most cathartic form, there are others that are also potent. Familial love is strong, and by many accounts a necessity for normal functioning. While most people, including me, probably have more love than they think they have, the stories of perfect families entice us to wish for more. So many people I've talked to have wished they had an extra sibling. Or one less. Or a different one. Or a different parent. Or a different family altogether. As much as some families might seem, no family is perfect. In addition no family, no matter how amazing, is going to fulfill your desire for that strong feeling of love all the time. No person will for that matter.
That brings me to the heavier half of love: one-on-one relationships. I'm grouping romantic relationships and best-friendships together because if your significant other is not your best friend, that's a different kind of pulse light altogether. Living in a singles ward, this desire is rampant. Not everyone is frantically searching for someone, but many are. In my opinion, the supplements don't really help. Love that will sustain a family is not the infatuation that will remove a person's faults. Love that will last and continue to sustain the poor amoeba is the kind that comes when you really learn the inside of someone, and more importantly, let them inside you. So the Jane Austen marathons don't do much except scratch that itch to have that someone and increase the threat of loneliness. The momentary happiness is enjoyable, but the lasting hole hurts. If it gets too out of hand, one's desperation can lead one to choose to take whatever they can. This usually leads to dropping it when it gets stale. This leads me to where I am in this mess: due to my aforementioned lack of reality, I'm too scared of other people and too scared of being a terrible best friend to really be considered looking. I still allow myself to watch the movies, read the books, and listen to the songs, but I'm aware I'm nowhere close to finding anyone. The resolution with this one is to try to lessen the ache of longing, but if this one falls through, I'm not too worried.
In summary: Be wary of what you focus on; dwell too long and addiction might set in.
I've got plans to improve.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Novelty
So. Much. Stuffs.
My dear followers, I regret to inform you that this is less of a philosophical/emotional rant than a simple update of all that's been going on. Somewhat uncharacteristic of me, but oh well.
Here goes:
Housing - I HAVE A HOUSE!!! [Okay, not really a house. But still, somewhere to live!] Being homeless was draining, but my wonderful extended family let me stay with them for a couple days. Even so I was so excited to be moving in. I like the new place and my roommates seem to be jolly good people.
As for Brookview, I've attempted to contact them by phone and email, but they haven't contacted me back... In addition they have yet to contact me about the fact that I haven't paid them anything nor have I moved in. Could I possibly just be lucky enough that they decided to leave me alone?
Work - Being at the desk by myself? Stupendous. No, I don't have someone else to entertain my or to help me when I don't know something, but I'm an independent worker anyways, so managing the desk on my own gives me the opportunity to manage as I please. I have a little less hours than before, but with my free time in only taking two classes, I can take on more guest services shifts.
Classes - I get to start into my microbiology major! Woohoo! Infection and immunology should be incredibly interesting, and I'm excited to delve into the material. That being said, it is for sure going to be very difficult. I'm glad I don't have to worry about more than cell bio and inf&imm because just the two of them are going to be quite a strain on my brain.
In other news I got an A in physics. CRAZY!
People - James is gone. Nefi is gone. Crystal is gone. Austin has been gone. Natalie has been gone. I don't have all that many friends. I certainly enjoy not having too many people to worry about talking too, but not having any isn't fun either.
BUT! Tahlia is still here, and my room-roommate (Sam) seems very personable.
Plus Trace Stay is in my inf&imm class. So I'll be good methinks.
That concludes my update. Hope you enjoyed it. Or at least enjoyed wasting time.
My dear followers, I regret to inform you that this is less of a philosophical/emotional rant than a simple update of all that's been going on. Somewhat uncharacteristic of me, but oh well.
Here goes:
Housing - I HAVE A HOUSE!!! [Okay, not really a house. But still, somewhere to live!] Being homeless was draining, but my wonderful extended family let me stay with them for a couple days. Even so I was so excited to be moving in. I like the new place and my roommates seem to be jolly good people.
As for Brookview, I've attempted to contact them by phone and email, but they haven't contacted me back... In addition they have yet to contact me about the fact that I haven't paid them anything nor have I moved in. Could I possibly just be lucky enough that they decided to leave me alone?
Work - Being at the desk by myself? Stupendous. No, I don't have someone else to entertain my or to help me when I don't know something, but I'm an independent worker anyways, so managing the desk on my own gives me the opportunity to manage as I please. I have a little less hours than before, but with my free time in only taking two classes, I can take on more guest services shifts.
Classes - I get to start into my microbiology major! Woohoo! Infection and immunology should be incredibly interesting, and I'm excited to delve into the material. That being said, it is for sure going to be very difficult. I'm glad I don't have to worry about more than cell bio and inf&imm because just the two of them are going to be quite a strain on my brain.
In other news I got an A in physics. CRAZY!
People - James is gone. Nefi is gone. Crystal is gone. Austin has been gone. Natalie has been gone. I don't have all that many friends. I certainly enjoy not having too many people to worry about talking too, but not having any isn't fun either.
BUT! Tahlia is still here, and my room-roommate (Sam) seems very personable.
Plus Trace Stay is in my inf&imm class. So I'll be good methinks.
That concludes my update. Hope you enjoyed it. Or at least enjoyed wasting time.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Cataclysm
Sometimes it seems like everything is crashing down at once.
To be truthful though, there's always something that isn't falling on your head.
The neat thing about things falling is that there's only so far they can fall. The resounding crash is horrendous, but the following silence is nice.
Wade it out, and things will get better.
Or at least you will.
To be truthful though, there's always something that isn't falling on your head.
The neat thing about things falling is that there's only so far they can fall. The resounding crash is horrendous, but the following silence is nice.
Wade it out, and things will get better.
Or at least you will.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Special. Normal.
It's interesting to note that people often flip between wanting to be special and wanting to be normal.
Usually this comes in resistance to being more special/normal than you want to be.
Personal example (rare for me, isn't it?):
I had a talent show to practice for, and my hula-hoop routine requires a lot of space. Unfortunately, space cannot be found without people in it, so I had to practice outside. Small guy. Big hula hoop. Dancing.
Not exactly the most common occurrence. Thus I attracted the stares of the passerby coming and going. I got a couple waves from people I knew, but I had headphones in and was able to justify ignoring them.
My only thought was, "GO AWAY!" I'm lucky to be nearsighted so I didn't see if the stares were in amazement or derision, but I didn't like the attention nonetheless. My drive to do well at the show beat out my social paranoia, but even so I still felt the desire to just be normal. Don't stare at me. Don't leave me. I'm understandable. I'm relatable. I'm normal, I promise!
On the other hand, this post was sparked by a statistic I fit. As one thing leads to another x% of people who do la-di-dah do ho-di-ho. Great. I'm in the x%. Just like anyone else in my position. The threat of being too normal is arguably scarier than the threat of being too special. If you are too normal, then you are replaceable. Worth little. Common. One could even say that as a cookie cutter human being you lack any innovative ability. You are simply a product of your environment.
Extremes are nearly always detrimental, and this case is no different.
We don't always get to choose how "special" or "normal" other people feel we are, but maybe in this case it's okay to bite into the sickeningly sweet repetitions drilled into our heads by pastel colors and geese in hats: We get to choose how special or normal we think we are, and that's enough.
Usually this comes in resistance to being more special/normal than you want to be.
Personal example (rare for me, isn't it?):
I had a talent show to practice for, and my hula-hoop routine requires a lot of space. Unfortunately, space cannot be found without people in it, so I had to practice outside. Small guy. Big hula hoop. Dancing.
Not exactly the most common occurrence. Thus I attracted the stares of the passerby coming and going. I got a couple waves from people I knew, but I had headphones in and was able to justify ignoring them.
My only thought was, "GO AWAY!" I'm lucky to be nearsighted so I didn't see if the stares were in amazement or derision, but I didn't like the attention nonetheless. My drive to do well at the show beat out my social paranoia, but even so I still felt the desire to just be normal. Don't stare at me. Don't leave me. I'm understandable. I'm relatable. I'm normal, I promise!
On the other hand, this post was sparked by a statistic I fit. As one thing leads to another x% of people who do la-di-dah do ho-di-ho. Great. I'm in the x%. Just like anyone else in my position. The threat of being too normal is arguably scarier than the threat of being too special. If you are too normal, then you are replaceable. Worth little. Common. One could even say that as a cookie cutter human being you lack any innovative ability. You are simply a product of your environment.
Extremes are nearly always detrimental, and this case is no different.
We don't always get to choose how "special" or "normal" other people feel we are, but maybe in this case it's okay to bite into the sickeningly sweet repetitions drilled into our heads by pastel colors and geese in hats: We get to choose how special or normal we think we are, and that's enough.
Housing
GYAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
Why is this housing business such a mess?
First I had to find housing.
Then I signed a contract and paid the deposit (this was back in February), but they changed their schedule so they didn't have sp/su housing. But they still had my deposit.
So I looked to other housing complexes under the same management so I could transfer the deposit. Found one I liked.
Then I was going to have a friend stay with me for spring only, so I had to find a spring-only contract.
Luckily, there was one with a different complex owned by the same management.
Contract signed, deposit on it's way to transfer.
Friend decides not to go spring.
Housing complex gets sold to another management company.
Contract signed with place I originally wanted to live at, and attempt to cancel contract with spring-only place.
Old deposit "in process of refunding" - AKA no clue where it is.
New contract needs to be signed by place I like, then I have to pay a deposit to them.
And I'm getting kicked out of my current residence in approximately 15 DAYS.
Gah.
But hey, if money and contracts are my current worries, I'd like to think I'm not doing too badly.
Why is this housing business such a mess?
First I had to find housing.
Then I signed a contract and paid the deposit (this was back in February), but they changed their schedule so they didn't have sp/su housing. But they still had my deposit.
So I looked to other housing complexes under the same management so I could transfer the deposit. Found one I liked.
Then I was going to have a friend stay with me for spring only, so I had to find a spring-only contract.
Luckily, there was one with a different complex owned by the same management.
Contract signed, deposit on it's way to transfer.
Friend decides not to go spring.
Housing complex gets sold to another management company.
Contract signed with place I originally wanted to live at, and attempt to cancel contract with spring-only place.
Old deposit "in process of refunding" - AKA no clue where it is.
New contract needs to be signed by place I like, then I have to pay a deposit to them.
And I'm getting kicked out of my current residence in approximately 15 DAYS.
Gah.
But hey, if money and contracts are my current worries, I'd like to think I'm not doing too badly.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Broken or Lost or Never?
{See? History does repeat itself. I'm writing two posts in one day.}
Sometimes I wonder where the best spot is if you can't have something in its full effect.
Is it best to have its resemblance in a broken form? To acknowledge that what you've got isn't all it's cracked up to be, but at least you've got "it", if only in name?
Is it better to have had it once and have it leave? So that you can remember how it once was and still believe you could have it again?
Is it best to never have had it at all? To not understand what it feels like at all, but to live vicariously off of others?
Would one be better off left cynical and wondering if it would be better not to have it at all?
Would one feel best wallowing in the past with the full strength of memory assaulting you?
Would one be better with the ignorant dreams that frustrate the mind and fill the heart with doubt?
Can it be fixed?
Can it return?
Can it be found?
No one can really ever know, because you can only be in one state, and the grass-is-greener principle keeps most people thinking the other two have it lucky. At any rate, all three options hurt tremendously.
Sometimes I wonder where the best spot is if you can't have something in its full effect.
Is it best to have its resemblance in a broken form? To acknowledge that what you've got isn't all it's cracked up to be, but at least you've got "it", if only in name?
Is it better to have had it once and have it leave? So that you can remember how it once was and still believe you could have it again?
Is it best to never have had it at all? To not understand what it feels like at all, but to live vicariously off of others?
Would one be better off left cynical and wondering if it would be better not to have it at all?
Would one feel best wallowing in the past with the full strength of memory assaulting you?
Would one be better with the ignorant dreams that frustrate the mind and fill the heart with doubt?
Can it be fixed?
Can it return?
Can it be found?
No one can really ever know, because you can only be in one state, and the grass-is-greener principle keeps most people thinking the other two have it lucky. At any rate, all three options hurt tremendously.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Again
History repeats itself. We've got millennia of recorded evidence proving that.
It's a strange phenomenon. The same old song and dance to a new tune in new shoes. Everything pans out the way it did before, but the notes sound so different that it doesn't seem that way until you look back.
Even so, the only thing that is constant is change, so one could argue that history never repeats itself, as no two circumstances are ever exactly alike.
Yet I find it so tiresome to look in the mirror and find myself repeated forever. Even worse is to look through the mirror to the future and see the past repeat in a quaint little pattern again, and again, and again.
Again and again.
It's a strange phenomenon. The same old song and dance to a new tune in new shoes. Everything pans out the way it did before, but the notes sound so different that it doesn't seem that way until you look back.
Even so, the only thing that is constant is change, so one could argue that history never repeats itself, as no two circumstances are ever exactly alike.
Yet I find it so tiresome to look in the mirror and find myself repeated forever. Even worse is to look through the mirror to the future and see the past repeat in a quaint little pattern again, and again, and again.
Again and again.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Progress
Life is not a straight line.
Our reckoning of time makes a continuous function that is arguably differentiable, but it is certainly not a simple equation.
We only live one moment at a time, and in doing so we can sometimes lose sight of the bigger picture.
When you look at the past couple of hours, not much has been happening.
When you look at the past couple of days there's been quite some fluctuation, but an overall positive trend if you look hard enough.
When you look at the past couple of weeks, there's been a resounding crash.
When you look at the past couple of months, things have been alright.
When you look at the past couple of years, things have been getting better.
When you look at my entire life, things have been going nowhere but up.
Don't let the more immediate negative trends make you believe the entire graph looks that way.
Our reckoning of time makes a continuous function that is arguably differentiable, but it is certainly not a simple equation.
We only live one moment at a time, and in doing so we can sometimes lose sight of the bigger picture.
When you look at the past couple of hours, not much has been happening.
When you look at the past couple of days there's been quite some fluctuation, but an overall positive trend if you look hard enough.
When you look at the past couple of weeks, there's been a resounding crash.
When you look at the past couple of months, things have been alright.
When you look at the past couple of years, things have been getting better.
When you look at my entire life, things have been going nowhere but up.
Don't let the more immediate negative trends make you believe the entire graph looks that way.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
The Perfect Timing of Greg Laswell
Arguably my favorite artist just posted this on facebook:
Serendipitous indeed.
"All of your wallowing is unbecoming"
"What you set out to kill off has been gone some time now. You've got to come back down."
Serendipitous indeed.
"All of your wallowing is unbecoming"
"What you set out to kill off has been gone some time now. You've got to come back down."
Friday, February 17, 2012
Playing with Fire
Happiness is somewhat like fire.
Before you refute that (if you haven't already), allow me to give a definition:
Happiness includes any feeling one personally denotes as positive. This encompasses derivatives such as joy, excitement, fun, and peace. In addition, parts of the more vague emotions such as passion may also be included.
Being happy is such a desired state that it is arguable that one's own happiness is the driving force for all human action. Many would agree that the "dark ones of society" are obviously acting selfishly, but I would venture to say that all people, even the most benevolent ones, act the way they do to achieve their own happiness. This is not a bad thing. Working towards one's own interests is a wonderful thing, especially when it encourages others to do the same. The common issue (and the topic of this post) is the duration.
In our search for happiness we commonly give certain levels of happiness to certain events and plan accordingly. E.g. When one is deciding what cereal to buy, we rank the tastes of different kinds based on our previous experiences. In addition we compare prices of different brands, assessing both the happiness that could be bought with the money saved and the personal satisfaction from saving money at all. Our previous enjoyment with risk comes into play as we contemplate whether to try a new box or stick to what we know.
As one can easily tell, even simple decisions can be complicated by the fact that we cannot have every happy event happen simultaneously. To maximize happiness, we must deliberate. (Unless of course, deliberation keeps one from happiness and spontaneous action increases happiness by lengthening time of actual use of a happy event, but I digress.)
Though complicated, these decisions don't have much happiness value tied to them and are generally made rather quickly. The hardest decisions come from competing events that both have quite a bit of potential happiness associated with them. Commonly, I've found that a large piece of this competition is in how long the happiness lasts, which is inversely proportional to how much happiness is experienced in a given time period.
Thus the relation to fire. One can keep a fire going and enjoy the warmth and light it gives, but you could always be warmer by going closer. In addition, keeping a fire up takes serious effort. Fuel must be provided, protections must be made so it doesn't get out of hand, and sometimes one must delicately encourage it. Conversely, a flash fire can mesmerize and warm down to the bone instantaneously. It doesn't need to last long, so no upkeep is necessary. One can indeed get burned, and the fire can get out of hand and start destroying things, but that instant of nerve endings telling you you're alive is beautiful. The most noted drawback is that once one has tasted fire, one is all too quick to do it again.
Our modern media loves the flash fire. Happiness lives in constant novelty: the new style is what you must have; continual pictures of cats and clever relatable jokes will keep you happy; once one person no longer entertains you, find another; try this, try that, try everything. Unfortunately, the real world doesn't work like that. To quote Marina and the Diamonds, "TV taught me how to feel, now real life has no appeal." Cleaning up the ashes of flash fire isn't generally enjoyable, and most of the time we are encouraged to simply leave it. SOMEONE will clean it. Surely.
On the flip side, certian religions and philosophies preach asceticism. In the fire metaphor, they would dictate that you should simply endure the cold. You can receive the most happiness by having no outside heat, and thus being most aware of your internal warmth. To a lesser degree, almost all other organizational schools of thought encourage that one should deny current enjoyment to plan for the future. The school system is a long and tedious road of telling you, "This will pay off eventually." Investment plans say, "You don't have enough money to be happy now. Save it up and later you can spend it on enjoyable things." Religious institutions teach "You'll be happy in the next life if you avoid x specific pleasure in this one."
For myself, I believe there needs to be a balance. (Ah yes, the ever defendable middle ground.)
We need to stop and smell the roses just as much as we need to get to work on time so that we can provide well for ourselves. Never let one eclipse the other. A charred soul drowning in the fire it constantly yearns to experience is just as pitiful as the dreary world always waiting for that "moment" when one can be happy.
As a final word of warning, please try not to be consumed. Being eaten by one's own desires, whether in scorching your skin or diligently maintaining can only lead to being broken, lost, and burnt out.
On the flip side, certian religions and philosophies preach asceticism. In the fire metaphor, they would dictate that you should simply endure the cold. You can receive the most happiness by having no outside heat, and thus being most aware of your internal warmth. To a lesser degree, almost all other organizational schools of thought encourage that one should deny current enjoyment to plan for the future. The school system is a long and tedious road of telling you, "This will pay off eventually." Investment plans say, "You don't have enough money to be happy now. Save it up and later you can spend it on enjoyable things." Religious institutions teach "You'll be happy in the next life if you avoid x specific pleasure in this one."
For myself, I believe there needs to be a balance. (Ah yes, the ever defendable middle ground.)
We need to stop and smell the roses just as much as we need to get to work on time so that we can provide well for ourselves. Never let one eclipse the other. A charred soul drowning in the fire it constantly yearns to experience is just as pitiful as the dreary world always waiting for that "moment" when one can be happy.
As a final word of warning, please try not to be consumed. Being eaten by one's own desires, whether in scorching your skin or diligently maintaining can only lead to being broken, lost, and burnt out.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Longing
I read a post in which someone was giving notes from a talk they enjoyed, and at one point the speaker said something along the lines of "We are all searching to be happy. All of the little sidetracks we take and the obsessions we cling to are all part of our search to be happy."
In a single world, a large part of our search for happiness comes from other people.
The desire for a relationship is a common topic of conversation. From those who are interested in seven people to the one who complains about being unable to find anyone, everyone wants to find love.
It reminds me of a time someone was complaining about a Justin Bieber song. She said that his lyric "I just need somebody to love" was terrible. One shouldn't think that way, because just 'needing someone to love' means you are self-centered and hardly care about the other person as long as they fit your needs.
While her point is valid, and we need to make sure that we aren't "falling in love with the possibility of someone loving us", I think the mutual void is a significant driving force in bringing people together.
Something of an "I'm lonely. You're lonely. Let's be lonely together so we won't be anymore." type of deal. It doesn't start out focused on the other person as a human whole, but if the relationship develops and the couple fights through the rougher times, it can flourish into a relationship in which each partner truly desires the fullest happiness of the other.
That being said, this driving void wields a large amount of power, and that power can drive people insane. I wish it were not so, but I have some friends who have found 'the one', and have become so stuck on that one person that they cannot truly love anyone else. It's obsessive and frightening, especially when a bad end causes someone to be so devastated that they start considering horrendous options.
On a less grand but just as damaging scale, I've met people who are so thirsty for the love they've tasted that they'll define their existence by their relationships. Unstable when alone, they flit from relationship to relationship, desperately holding on to each partner and quickly finding another one when a schism occurs. Consequently, complications abound. They have many a story of an ex to tell, and when back into the searching phase, they have to keep all those names and details straight. Even when in a relationship, there is a distinct possibility that the partnership could be lacking something a previous one had, yet they don't want to leave the relationship for fear of being alone.
Finally, there are those like me. The love of a relationship (and consequently loss thereof) is unknown to me. I subsist off of listening to songs and hearing stories from others, satiating my want for a relationship vicariously. My imagination takes off at the merest hint of possibility until it knows exactly what we'll look like after being married for 23 years. It's a dangerous game that can easily push me off the edge if things start spinning too fast, but it keeps me safe from danger in reality.
Neither side of the spectrum is really happy. They are left wishing for what they once had, and I am left wishing I knew what it was like. It makes me wonder if people ever really fulfill the longing that eats away at them, or just get so tired that when something could possibly work long-term, they take it up just to get the monster of hope out of their heads.
In a single world, a large part of our search for happiness comes from other people.
The desire for a relationship is a common topic of conversation. From those who are interested in seven people to the one who complains about being unable to find anyone, everyone wants to find love.
It reminds me of a time someone was complaining about a Justin Bieber song. She said that his lyric "I just need somebody to love" was terrible. One shouldn't think that way, because just 'needing someone to love' means you are self-centered and hardly care about the other person as long as they fit your needs.
While her point is valid, and we need to make sure that we aren't "falling in love with the possibility of someone loving us", I think the mutual void is a significant driving force in bringing people together.
Something of an "I'm lonely. You're lonely. Let's be lonely together so we won't be anymore." type of deal. It doesn't start out focused on the other person as a human whole, but if the relationship develops and the couple fights through the rougher times, it can flourish into a relationship in which each partner truly desires the fullest happiness of the other.
That being said, this driving void wields a large amount of power, and that power can drive people insane. I wish it were not so, but I have some friends who have found 'the one', and have become so stuck on that one person that they cannot truly love anyone else. It's obsessive and frightening, especially when a bad end causes someone to be so devastated that they start considering horrendous options.
On a less grand but just as damaging scale, I've met people who are so thirsty for the love they've tasted that they'll define their existence by their relationships. Unstable when alone, they flit from relationship to relationship, desperately holding on to each partner and quickly finding another one when a schism occurs. Consequently, complications abound. They have many a story of an ex to tell, and when back into the searching phase, they have to keep all those names and details straight. Even when in a relationship, there is a distinct possibility that the partnership could be lacking something a previous one had, yet they don't want to leave the relationship for fear of being alone.
Finally, there are those like me. The love of a relationship (and consequently loss thereof) is unknown to me. I subsist off of listening to songs and hearing stories from others, satiating my want for a relationship vicariously. My imagination takes off at the merest hint of possibility until it knows exactly what we'll look like after being married for 23 years. It's a dangerous game that can easily push me off the edge if things start spinning too fast, but it keeps me safe from danger in reality.
Neither side of the spectrum is really happy. They are left wishing for what they once had, and I am left wishing I knew what it was like. It makes me wonder if people ever really fulfill the longing that eats away at them, or just get so tired that when something could possibly work long-term, they take it up just to get the monster of hope out of their heads.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Eventually
Isn't that the dream?
That one day, you'll stop for a moment. Maybe you'll just relax your shoulders and smile or maybe you'll burst into tears, but in that instant, you realize you really are happy. The work you've put in, the pains you've suffered, and the times you felt like nothing was worth it anymore would all be explained. It would all be worth it because with all that has happened, you're happy now. The past can't haunt you, and the future can't be daunting because you've got it. You're happy.
Doesn't that explain everything we ever do?
All of the vying for money, the intense soul-searching, the desperation for others' approval, the "progress".
We're saving up and building up and storing up so that one day we can have that moment.
We can be truly happy.
And it's no good to consider the possibility that the moment won't come. It's better to live in comfortable delusion than to shred the already collapsing heart right?
That one day, you'll stop for a moment. Maybe you'll just relax your shoulders and smile or maybe you'll burst into tears, but in that instant, you realize you really are happy. The work you've put in, the pains you've suffered, and the times you felt like nothing was worth it anymore would all be explained. It would all be worth it because with all that has happened, you're happy now. The past can't haunt you, and the future can't be daunting because you've got it. You're happy.
Doesn't that explain everything we ever do?
All of the vying for money, the intense soul-searching, the desperation for others' approval, the "progress".
We're saving up and building up and storing up so that one day we can have that moment.
We can be truly happy.
And it's no good to consider the possibility that the moment won't come. It's better to live in comfortable delusion than to shred the already collapsing heart right?
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