Everyone has their things. The things that, for whatever reason, are far scarier for you than they seem to be for everyone else. Diverse methods can be prescribed to soften the stimulus, but in most cases, the anxiety is annoying but not crippling enough that they seek help.
As time rolls on, the changes of life come to us all. From watching our elders, we can find out approximately the life we will be existing in years from now. We delight in the pleasantries and fear for the problems. Unfortunately, neither emotion can change the rate nor inevitability of the coming future.
For me, one is a rock and the other the hard place. I have an irrational distaste of exercise. I'm uncomfortable just watching people exercise, so you can imagine how difficult it is to exercise myself. At the same time, I fear for both my health and my appearance. I want to be attractive, and for a male, the standard attractiveness includes visible muscles. I realize that there are different preferences and that I shouldn't worry about what other people think, but I'd like to look better, if only just to be happier to see myself in the mirror. Additionally, being healthy would be wonderful. Unfortunately, I can't get myself to pay for healthier food nor take the time to cook it. Add my poor diet on to my resistance of exercise, and it's surprising that I'm not worse off than I am currently. By my observations, being healthy will only become more difficult the older I get. If I can't maintain proper balance now, what chance do I have of health when I am older?
I've had many a daydream of finding someone to help me. Someone that would for whatever reason say, "Hey, I want to help you become more healthy." Of course, I probably underestimate my own resistance and negativity should that situation occur. I've had excursions of exercise both by myself and with friends. Neither endeavor ended too poorly, but neither kept up all that well either.
This is one of those moments I want a house all to myself.
I could have a little exercise room, and no one would need to know how frequently (or infrequently) I used it. I could have a nice kitchen that would adhere to my own standards of cleanliness, and I could make food without anyone else there whenever I felt like it. I could have multiple floors so that I could bound up and down the stairs all day. I could have a space to live fully uninhibited by concerns for inconveniencing others.
Soon enough, I hope, a house of my own will be an inevitability.
Friday, March 21, 2014
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
I'm Low On Black Ink
I haven't written too much lately. It might be, quite happily, because I no longer consistently feel drowned by darkness and pain that begs for escape into the internet.
As is to be expected, perfection is unattainable as ever. The moments where I find my irrationalities flare into monstrosities, rare now though they may be, are still terrifying. My strength of spirit still wanes all too quickly and leaves me despondent and irritable with only a brief exposure to drains I have yet to understand. In the newfound comfort of acceptance, there are still the stings of negative emotion that have no answer. And even in that endeavor, I am not finished, for I still berate myself for my reactions - neither accepting nor fixing them.
Let me not lead you astray - my life has continued it's fortuitous trend of always getting better. I can say that I am happier now than I remember being in any other stage of life. My hope is that I can still write, and do so eloquently, even though I do not have the agony to propel it. To kick off this new age (which is appropriate, as I am almost 22 now), let me share some of my current musings.
Relationships are interesting, varied, complicated, and worth much more than a thousand words. It would be fascinating to cultivate each one thoroughly, but alas we have not the time. So instead we have shallow plots for certain friends, and deeper ones for others - the number of each kind of plot within one's own greenhouse varying based on personality. I have had quite a number of delightful relationships to nourish, yet in all of them I've found duality. While it is not certain, and I'd say highly unlikely, that one relationship can produce all the forms of negative emotion, each one is guaranteed at least one (and probably has more). I cannot say I like the irritation, guilt, suspicion, pain, anger, or sorrow that they bring, yet at the same time, I see that it is objectively incredibly impractical to dismiss them. The reason being: they give positive emotions I don't have words to adequately describe. I don't understand it, which I don't like, but I know it exists. There is something to caring for another person and having them care for you. Even better, each set is different. The feelings of comfort, excitement, joy, and worth that I receive from one relationship cannot be remotely duplicated by another.
In knowing that getting rid of relationships, especially well-developed ones, is a terrible thing to do, I mourn the ones I have lost. As time progresses, things change. Literal distance makes figurative closeness difficult. A plot in your garden needs a matching one in theirs to flourish. People change, including you. I miss many people, when I think about them.
The world is scary and dark sometimes. Philosophies of reality and reason vary widely, and each is more frightening and disheartening than the last. But in those times where reason makes emotion cry, it is good to remember those we love, in any capacity. "We are lost and found, but love is gonna save us."
As is to be expected, perfection is unattainable as ever. The moments where I find my irrationalities flare into monstrosities, rare now though they may be, are still terrifying. My strength of spirit still wanes all too quickly and leaves me despondent and irritable with only a brief exposure to drains I have yet to understand. In the newfound comfort of acceptance, there are still the stings of negative emotion that have no answer. And even in that endeavor, I am not finished, for I still berate myself for my reactions - neither accepting nor fixing them.
Let me not lead you astray - my life has continued it's fortuitous trend of always getting better. I can say that I am happier now than I remember being in any other stage of life. My hope is that I can still write, and do so eloquently, even though I do not have the agony to propel it. To kick off this new age (which is appropriate, as I am almost 22 now), let me share some of my current musings.
Relationships are interesting, varied, complicated, and worth much more than a thousand words. It would be fascinating to cultivate each one thoroughly, but alas we have not the time. So instead we have shallow plots for certain friends, and deeper ones for others - the number of each kind of plot within one's own greenhouse varying based on personality. I have had quite a number of delightful relationships to nourish, yet in all of them I've found duality. While it is not certain, and I'd say highly unlikely, that one relationship can produce all the forms of negative emotion, each one is guaranteed at least one (and probably has more). I cannot say I like the irritation, guilt, suspicion, pain, anger, or sorrow that they bring, yet at the same time, I see that it is objectively incredibly impractical to dismiss them. The reason being: they give positive emotions I don't have words to adequately describe. I don't understand it, which I don't like, but I know it exists. There is something to caring for another person and having them care for you. Even better, each set is different. The feelings of comfort, excitement, joy, and worth that I receive from one relationship cannot be remotely duplicated by another.
In knowing that getting rid of relationships, especially well-developed ones, is a terrible thing to do, I mourn the ones I have lost. As time progresses, things change. Literal distance makes figurative closeness difficult. A plot in your garden needs a matching one in theirs to flourish. People change, including you. I miss many people, when I think about them.
The world is scary and dark sometimes. Philosophies of reality and reason vary widely, and each is more frightening and disheartening than the last. But in those times where reason makes emotion cry, it is good to remember those we love, in any capacity. "We are lost and found, but love is gonna save us."
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
It's Tense
With only a few months left in my undergrad career, I've found myself a bit stuck between times.
The farther I look into the past, the darker it seems to have been. While this does mean that my life has been on a continuously upward trend, I still have hiccups in the present, and sometimes I wonder if the wounds I don't even remember still sting. Bad things have happened. Good things have happened. I was occasionally brilliant. I was occasionally idiotic. The past is a mishmash of the great and terrible, and it's completely frozen. Not a single atom twitches in the tapestry that stretches on endlessly behind us. It's easy to wonder what the present would be like if the past were different, but alas that is an experience we can never have. In the face of an impossible desire, some would say that it's best to just let it go. As for me, I still see value in dreaming.
The present is interesting in the theoretical sense, because the "true present" exists in such a small time frame that we can't actually distinguish it. So I'm considering the present to be the true present plus the relative past. Once again a flexible definition, but that allows for extra analysis.
In a restrictive definition, I'm typing and listening to music right now. I do love music, and have a habit of staying up late trying to find something to do so that I can continue listening. I feel a little off, but that's why I'm writing a blog post.
In a larger sense, the present is full of tasks. I didn't really spend the long weekend in the most productive way possible, but I still got a few things done. I'm frustrated over the difficulty to get a recommendation for my application, and I've got one last plan before I give up. The nice thing is that whatever happens with that, I've got to move on pretty soon.
The present is uncomfortable. I guess that's why we keep doing things. If we were satisfied we'd relax in our stasis until time forced change upon us.
The future is basically blank. I have a few possibilities I've considered and done some preliminary planning for, but at this point nothing is certain. I really hate when people ask about what I'm doing afterwards because I don't have a solid answer, and feeling stupid is my second-least favorite feeling. [Jealousy being the most horrid.] All I know is that I want to be happy, and that I think I can get that to happen.
I don't think I have big control issues, as I can be quite fine relinquishing power to someone else, but I'm excited to have my own things. I will always be a subject of the system, being fed by growers and preparers that I do not know, never fully able to enjoy complete solitude. Yet I believe there to be a comfort in knowing that you make enough money to support yourself in this world. I want to be productive. I want a company or some such to benefit from my continued existence, even if only as a lowly peon.
And above all, as much as we'd love to marinate in perfect comfort, there's something to be said about having change. I think I'm ready for one.
The farther I look into the past, the darker it seems to have been. While this does mean that my life has been on a continuously upward trend, I still have hiccups in the present, and sometimes I wonder if the wounds I don't even remember still sting. Bad things have happened. Good things have happened. I was occasionally brilliant. I was occasionally idiotic. The past is a mishmash of the great and terrible, and it's completely frozen. Not a single atom twitches in the tapestry that stretches on endlessly behind us. It's easy to wonder what the present would be like if the past were different, but alas that is an experience we can never have. In the face of an impossible desire, some would say that it's best to just let it go. As for me, I still see value in dreaming.
The present is interesting in the theoretical sense, because the "true present" exists in such a small time frame that we can't actually distinguish it. So I'm considering the present to be the true present plus the relative past. Once again a flexible definition, but that allows for extra analysis.
In a restrictive definition, I'm typing and listening to music right now. I do love music, and have a habit of staying up late trying to find something to do so that I can continue listening. I feel a little off, but that's why I'm writing a blog post.
In a larger sense, the present is full of tasks. I didn't really spend the long weekend in the most productive way possible, but I still got a few things done. I'm frustrated over the difficulty to get a recommendation for my application, and I've got one last plan before I give up. The nice thing is that whatever happens with that, I've got to move on pretty soon.
The present is uncomfortable. I guess that's why we keep doing things. If we were satisfied we'd relax in our stasis until time forced change upon us.
The future is basically blank. I have a few possibilities I've considered and done some preliminary planning for, but at this point nothing is certain. I really hate when people ask about what I'm doing afterwards because I don't have a solid answer, and feeling stupid is my second-least favorite feeling. [Jealousy being the most horrid.] All I know is that I want to be happy, and that I think I can get that to happen.
I don't think I have big control issues, as I can be quite fine relinquishing power to someone else, but I'm excited to have my own things. I will always be a subject of the system, being fed by growers and preparers that I do not know, never fully able to enjoy complete solitude. Yet I believe there to be a comfort in knowing that you make enough money to support yourself in this world. I want to be productive. I want a company or some such to benefit from my continued existence, even if only as a lowly peon.
And above all, as much as we'd love to marinate in perfect comfort, there's something to be said about having change. I think I'm ready for one.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)