I'm Low On Black Ink

I haven't written too much lately.  It might be, quite happily, because I no longer consistently feel drowned by darkness and pain that begs for escape into the internet.

As is to be expected, perfection is unattainable as ever.  The moments where I find my irrationalities flare into monstrosities, rare now though they may be, are still terrifying.  My strength of spirit still wanes all too quickly and leaves me despondent and irritable with only a brief exposure to drains I have yet to understand.  In the newfound comfort of acceptance, there are still the stings of negative emotion that have no answer.  And even in that endeavor, I am not finished, for I still berate myself for my reactions - neither accepting nor fixing them.

Let me not lead you astray - my life has continued it's fortuitous trend of always getting better.  I can say that I am happier now than I remember being in any other stage of life.  My hope is that I can still write, and do so eloquently, even though I do not have the agony to propel it.  To kick off this new age (which is appropriate, as I am almost 22 now), let me share some of my current musings.


Relationships are interesting, varied, complicated, and worth much more than a thousand words.  It would be fascinating to cultivate each one thoroughly, but alas we have not the time.  So instead we have shallow plots for certain friends, and deeper ones for others - the number of each kind of plot within one's own greenhouse varying based on personality.  I have had quite a number of delightful relationships to nourish, yet in all of them I've found duality.  While it is not certain, and I'd say highly unlikely, that one relationship can produce all the forms of negative emotion, each one is guaranteed at least one (and probably has more).  I cannot say I like the irritation, guilt, suspicion, pain, anger, or sorrow that they bring, yet at the same time, I see that it is objectively incredibly impractical to dismiss them.  The reason being: they give positive emotions I don't have words to adequately describe.  I don't understand it, which I don't like, but I know it exists.  There is something to caring for another person and having them care for you.  Even better, each set is different.  The feelings of comfort, excitement, joy, and worth that I receive from one relationship cannot be remotely duplicated by another.
In knowing that getting rid of relationships, especially well-developed ones, is a terrible thing to do, I mourn the ones I have lost.  As time progresses, things change.  Literal distance makes figurative closeness difficult.  A plot in your garden needs a matching one in theirs to flourish.  People change, including you.  I miss many people, when I think about them.
The world is scary and dark sometimes.  Philosophies of reality and reason vary widely, and each is more frightening and disheartening than the last.  But in those times where reason makes emotion cry, it is good to remember those we love, in any capacity.  "We are lost and found, but love is gonna save us."