So You Say

People say things.
There are a lot of people.  There are a lot of things said.
No one ever agrees.

I am weak, flawed, scared.  Very scared.  Perfection looms, possibility lurks, and the demons of hope bear wicked grins. I don't know.  I don't know a lot of things.  I cannot stop.  Time will not allow it.  So I hope.

Failure.   Such a scary word, but what does it mean?
Have I failed if I don't live up to someone's expectation?
Have I failed if I don't have any expectations?  Or have too many?
Have I failed if I'm not happy? wealthy? good? right?
Can I only fail by not doing anything at all?  Is it really possible to fail?
Is it as objective as it seems to be?  Can someone be revered by all and still consider themselves a failure?  Can someone be considered failed by others but a success in their own right?

I'm a human.  Humans have a sense of desperation that works quite well in making them do things.  I fear a future in which I'm penniless. Suffering.  A drain on society. Friendless.
By the way people talk, it sounds like the job market is horrendous.  That only after months of agony can a lucky individual hope to find a minimum-wage job.  People are frightened by a 10% unemployment rate.  Which if I interpret correctly, means that 90% of people have jobs.  In truth, I'm probably not exceptional enough not to have a job.  Maybe the complaining is a result of the unrealized American dream.  People unsatisfied with their job, even though it gives them a substantial life.

I worry about grad school.  I fret about the prestigious colleges that won't accept me, and the mediocre ones that won't either.  I worry about disappointing the people who tell me I'm smart.  I'm scared by the people who tell me that graduate school isn't worth it.  That it will keep me from getting a job, or will land me in a vicious and cutthroat environment in which I'm doomed to waste friendless and stressed until I realize that I'm simply not good enough.  I'm worried about the warnings about all the things I need to be to "succeed", the equally mystic opposite of failure.  I need to be charming. I need to be brilliant.  I need to be diligent.  I need to be outgoing.  I need to be perfect.  I'm not even close.

I wish that I could see the balance.  That I could hear people talk about how they like some parts of their job, even if it's not everything they've ever dreamed of.  I wish I could hear talk about how getting a job is stressful, but not unachievable.  I want someone to talk about the craziness of getting into and through grad school, but also gratitude for how much they learned.  I want someone to tell me that people will appreciate my strengths even through my flaws, just like people do all the time for each other.  I want someone to help me know that I'll be okay.
And I'd rather that someone not be me trying to convince myself.